Friday, 9 November 2012

Hollywood beckons...via Michael Bay

Mr Bay,

During a 10 minute lull in very average Friday morning, my mind wandered to a possible career change.

Not to say I’m not happy being a structural engineer for the local authority, I just figured that this career path won’t exactly get me to the goal I’ve concluded to be my zenith. My peak. My ‘Armageddon’.

“What is his goal?” I hear you say. Well wipe that fringe away, this is going to win you that Oscar...or another Saturn Award.

Mickey, I want to put my hat in your ring and give you a helping hand in your future filmography. I say helping hand, I mean I want to get wealthy off your talent. I want to be the Dec to your Ant. The Emilio Estavez to your Charlie Sheen. The Haylie to your Hilary.

Let’s not avoid the obvious; you my friend, should be up there with James Cameron. You’ve got that magnificent fringe and the occasional b-ball hat to casually throw on. Your thinking cap . Jimmy on the other hand, what is he? 85? Granted he owns his own diving bell and snorkel...or something? Yes he’s produced classics such as Avatar, Titanic, True Lies, Point Break, Terminator 2, to name a few. But; these all pale into insignificance when compared to Armageddon and Megan Fox in Transformers. Do you have her number? Just give me a couple figures, I’ll guess the rest.

Back on track. You and I will admit the “dropped bollock” with ‘I Am Number Four’. I haven’t seen, but 6.1 stars on IMDB? C’mon Mickey. Crocodile Dundee has 6.5 stars. Mick Fucking Dundee!?

I want to help you, Mickey. Help me, help you. Fly me over, buy me lunch, let’s throw some parties and we’ll talk. You know it makes sense. You’ve got one bollock left, don’t drop this one. I still have two. That’s three bollocks, Mickey. James Cameron has old bollocks and more than likely, the bends...and a fetish for blue reproductive organs if Avatar is anything to go by.

Let’s do this. Find me a slot; I’ll turn my hand to anything. Acting,, photography, painting, packed name it. I’ll grip your key. I’ll be your best boy. Let me grip that boy. Hell, I’ll even work in costume....I’ll help out with Megan Fox and Emma Stone’s gusset maintenance. I was a boy scout.

Also, I see you’re doing Ninja Turtles? And you’ve got George Takei on board. An Asian turtle eh...or is he Splinter? My Mam is called Avril. Coincidence? No, that’s fate.

Did you do Star Wars?

Look forward to working with you.
John Williams

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