Wednesday, 26 August 2009

5th Blog Post...Still gunning for getting someone famous to come with me to Nepal...This week, Ironman World Champion, Chrissie Wellington

This is the e-mail that is waiting to be sent to Chrissie Wellington...World Ironman Champion and alround nice lady....

Right-ho Chrissie, how you feeling?

Recently I have been sending e-mails to many as many people, companies, suppliers...etc with the the idea of getting myself sponsorship/backing/company/friendship for an event that I'm doing next March in Nepal. It's called the
Yak Attack, and in a nutshell, it's a 12 day MTB adventure....hang on, I'll just copy and past the description from the website.

(*the equivalent of 6,686.42 of this little
guy standing on his own shoulders...which quite frankly, I would spill blood to see)

Sexiest man alive or fingers that look too simular to a pub snack...Twiglets?

Now, with this in mind (the adventure, not the tower of dwarves), I would like to send you an invitation to join me in Nepal next March. I know you are a big fan of the area, and also spent some time there in the past. If you are worried about the prospect of keeping up with me on the trip then don't, I will take my time for you. I did finish 7th in my last triathlon in Llanelli (a lot like Nepal I imagine), but don't be fooled by that figure. I was beaten by some very strong athletes who have been in the business for at least.....2 races.

The likes of Thomas ap Thomas (swims like a tuna and is a part time trombonist for the local church), Dafydd ap Iwan (claimed to invent the 'cesar salad'...jury is still out), Adolf-Mark Hughes (guess who he was named after...that's right, Mark Hughes), Owain Hermon (owner of Ammanford's largest congregation of sheep and also, the 3rd largest ant farm in South Wales) and Sarah & Sara Stevens (they owns the local bike can jump to your own conclusions on them...has webbed hands and big ears. Oh, and are conjoined twins.) are not to be taken lightly as their local knowledge, unmatchable inbred strength, scores of support (brothers, mothers, fathers, sisters, aunties, farm animals, boyfriends and girlfriends - usually the same person) and Raleigh Activators are nigh on impossible to compete with.

To the point though, I've never been to Nepal and am looking forward to the trip and being completely out of my comfort zone (in front of tele watching repeats of Count Duckula whilst eating my Kellogg's variety pack and warmed Ribena. Not in the same bowl. Although...). But, I wouldn't mind some company in doing the trip, my Nepalese sucks and even more concerning, I great people I don't know with a nervous high 5 and within 2mins, I tend to make an inappropriate joke...pffft....don't ask!

I should tell you though, you aren't the first person I have asked (I feel as though I have cheated on you...sorry). I did send an e-mail to Ben Fogle and James Cracknell asking if they would like a REAL challenge instead of building snowmen and having snowball fights in the Antarctic. They both said no, so obviously not a fan of lycra or they just don't like Nepal. Although it could just be the fact that I told them I was ginger and wear lycra. Meh.

I've also sent an e-mail to many Mtb companies, and any company I thought that was relevant (when I say relevant, I wanted a free pair of Oakley's...they also said no. I feel as though they have an issue with a ginger person wearing their glasses in public, where, if anyone should have a pair of Oakley's, it should be ginger people. We attract the sun like no other specimen on Earth - including solar panels). But in all fairness, Probikekit have given me some
exposure by broadcasting my letters to the world and offering me some stuff.... Trek have offered me a very generous discount on one of their bikes and Oakley turned me down solely on the fact that I have red hair....apparently.

So, with all this in mind. And if your still reading (a very well done, much bigger accomplishment than one of those Ironman races you occasionally do), I would be very happy to hear from you.

Please, if you don't like the e-mail, delete it. Please don't refer it to the police. I'm officially on my so called 'last strike' in the UK and Australia. In the UK, I accidentally called a police man
'Columbo' after he claimed I was doing 40mph whilst he was on foot he could work out my speed I still don't know?! And in Australia, I was given a very public spiritual de-pantsing by a zoo keeper in Melbourne by trying to convince the tourists that Koala's were in fact err...asexual. I didn't realize he could hear me and it was all a bit of fun. Again, meh.

The naked Swan hand puppet showed no remorse as it went straight for the lazy eye....

Also, I will include my blog that you can read from time to time.

Cheers Chrissie,
John (can you get me some Oakley's?)

Will post the reply as soon as she sends something back....

Thursday, 20 August 2009

4th Blog Post...THE Letter

This was my attempt at gaining sponsorship/backing for the Yak Attack. I was sent a link to a website that gave hints/tips on how to get I did the exact opposite!!


Wasssup guys,

I’ve been reading through ’supposed’ tips on how to gain sponsorship, funding, backing…etc for athletes over the last couple of months in aid to get myself some help with a race I\’m aiming for. Now, all the tips have told me to write formal, structured correspondence, whilst highlighting the goal and projecting a professional outlook.

I’m not going to do that. You probably have these e-mails all the time. So to stand out, I’m gonna base this on comedy and self character assassination.

Basically, I’m a ginger triathlete. Although this hasn’t alienated all my friends, it certainly hasn’t done me any favors. I spend a majority of my in lycra and rubber. Now, if I had legs carved out of rich mahogany, it would be a good look. But, as you can probably guess (the ginger bit), I’m as pale as the background of this very e-mail. Fantastic. Now, if your still reading, good job. It gets worse.

My triathlon err…career? has spanned over 5yrs. Notably the first 3 were pretty much very slow – slow. And I’m sure there are people still out on the courses waiting for me to finish. (plus point no1, I’ve never failed to finish an event) Now the last two years have been a big improvement, triathlon wise, I’m still ginger. From finishing in the final third of the field, I’m now hovering around the top 10. Including winning my first trophy in my last event. It’s pure gold, apparently they melted two of Mr.T not-so-needed bling to create this very trophy. Yep, that’s right. 3rd Senior Male. Imagine Gwyneth Paltrow at theOscars for my acceptance speech.

Epic fail.

Still reading? Nice!

Now, I did complete a Half Ironman distance last year, and am planning on racing the same event this year to see how much I have hopefully improved (5th of Sept 09). I will not win a trophy in this event. Although I will glue the aforementioned trophy to the front of my wetsuit, bike and running hat in homage to my past glory.

You’ve probably stopped reading.

Some bullet points about my interests;

I’m ginger
I enjoy a crisp apple
I don’t tan that well
I have a ginger beard
I once ate 24 doughnuts without licking my lips
I’m a big fan of Celine Dion’s old stylee teeth
And I feel that Rob Schnider is one of the most underrated actors of all time

Now, the *good part. (I did put *juicy in there, but changed it to good. ‘Juicy’ made me heave)

The race I’m doing is The Yak Attack.
The Yak Attack It’s a good ‘un.

Never done it before, and as far as I’m aware, I’m the first ever Welshman with a ginger beard and a triathlon trophy to attempt it. It’s not going to be easy…it’s been dubbed ‘one of the hardest races in the world’. Fantastic. A brief of what I will attempt to endure….

420km over 10 days with over 8000m of climbing – peaking at an awe inspiring 5416m.

With the altitude of the event in mind, (serious bit) 5,416ft, I have e-mailed the conditioning coach of the Welsh Rugby Union (WRU) and British and Irish Lions for some information on altitude training, problems and other relevant factors and to my surprise, he has agreed for me to go to the WRU Indoor Training Barn to meet him in person and have a good natter about all things mountainous and oxygen depleted.

So far, I have a 4 season sleeping bag and some of the clothing needed. I’ve paid for the deposit and am looking to find a lightweight Mtb to ride/carry for the event. Now, the aim of the e-mail is to reach out to your kindness, warmth, selfnesslessnessism, generosity, free stuff, money and backing. Could be anything from a bike, small donation, small pieces of equipment or even a ‘good luck e-mail’ will do. Nothing abusive. I already get enough of this.I’m ginger, wear lycra and rubber and enjoys apples – I’m a walking bully magnet. In return, I will keep a blog on the net, drum up local newspaper support (I have a friend in ‘high places’ that I can blackma…err, contact about getting a couple of articles) and generally plug your product with every living breath (if you get me?).

So, if you feel the need to send me anything, or want to ask any questions…fell free to e-mail me. I’ll even put my phone number down incase you type like my father. One finger stylee. Which will take you a while.

Looking forward to hearing from you hombres,

John Williams

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

3rd Blog Post...Pichers!

Gonna attach some photos for you...face to the name and that.

Llanelli Tri - 2009
The trophy. Or a rubbish Holy Grail?

2nd Blog Post...The Yak Attack - March 2010

I've entered the The Yak Attack in March 2010. Basically, it's a MTB ride over one of the highest mountain passes in the World. Here's a brief of the event that I was sold on...




420KM OVER 10 DAYS *(Pfffft, not about the distances my ar*e!!) WITH OVER 8000M OF CLIMBING – PEAKING AT AN AWE INSPIRING 5416M.


5416m is the equivalent of 17 Eiffel Towers or for some of the less traveled people, 3,008 Ikea Wardrobes or 3185 Tom Cruise's.

With all this in mind, I have contacted the Welsh Rugby Union (WRU) and British & Irish Lions conditioning coach Craig White regarding getting some info about the effects of altitude and how to prepare and deal with it once there. Although he's buggered off to Thailand for 4 weeks. So should be meeting with him sometime during the end of September 09. Will keep you updated...

Now the funny parts. I had the idea of inviting James Cracknell and Ben Fogle to join me out in Nepal during watching their show...On Thin Ice (documentary about their Arctic adventure). So, here is the e-mail I sent to the PA's of the two dudes...

How do,

Was watching your man on the tele box last night doing his Antarctic walk, crawl, fall, ski, camp...etc and thought to myself;'He seems like a bit of an idiot'. (Not the offensive one, idiot as in mental, crazy or bonkers - I coined that phrase waaaay before Dizzee, Dizzy, Dizee....Daisy Rascal)

So, I would cordially like to invite Ben Fogle/James Cracknell to join me in Nepal in March for a bike ride so that he can look after me, and make sure I don't do anything stupid like fall off a mountain, ride a Yak, get lost in the Annapurna's (I'll check where that is and get back to you soon*) or become involved in witch craft due to my rare blend of pale skin, a rich mahogany beard (that's right, ginger) and the ability to look terribly offensive in lycra or rubber. There are witches in Nepal right? If not, forget the above statement.

Anyway, formalities. I've entered a race called the Yak Attack - Showdown in the Annapurnas. It's a mountain bike race which involves tight clothing, padded rears and lots of climbing, near 420km of riding and 8,000m of climbing with temperatures ranging from er…warm to cold, then back to warm again. The event starts on the 8th of March and finishes on March 20th. So that's 13 days. In 2010.

Now, before Ben/James says 'YES!! I would love to join John in his lycra in Nepal', I would like to describe myself in a paragraph or so.

My name is John Williams. I'm 26. Welsh, not from North Wales where no-one understands what they say, but South. A place called Ammanford if you want to google it. And have a 32" inside leg.

I'm from a rugby background (hardly surprising I'm Welsh) and recently, over the last 3yrs become a triathlete. I have completed races from sprint (400m swim, 25km cycle and 5k run) to Olympic (1.5km swim….then double the previous distances…ish) and more recently, a Half Ironman (1.9km swim, 85km cycle and a 21km run).

I'm not vegetarian, my favorite color is red…no blue, I enjoy a good apple, I have two dogs and a girlfriend (should that be the other way round?)…I have a girlfriend and two dogs (not sure) and grew a beard to annoy my girlfriend but no the two dogs. I also ate 24 doughnuts without licking my lips a few years ago - a lot harder than it sounds.

Righto, I think that's enough about me. So, if Ben/James (I haven't put Ben down first due to favoritism, it's alphabetical) would like to join me on my trip, 'Holla back ya'll'.
Yours sincerely (with deepest regrets about mentioning 'The ginger beard'), John B Williams I have included a picture of myself so you can see what I….(obviously) look like. This could be make or break in the deal to get Ben/James onboard.

*The Annapurna's are in the attached photo; (according to wikipedia - which everyone knows can be wrong…I once edited a paragraph about a friend of mine who plays rugby professionally to include "Emyr Lewis is a professional rugby player who currently plays for Neath RFC. He has exceptionally big ears and has a gap in his two front teeth and often struggles to say the letter 'R' to the amusement to his 'wugby fwiends'" I've highlighted the part I edited incase you couldn't decide which part was fibs (lies).



From Ben Fogle's people.

Thanks so much. I have forwarded your email onto Ben.x

From James Cracknell's people.

Hi John,

Thanks for your email. Very amusing and one of the more original emails that we've had in... Afraid James isn't taking on any more commitments at the moment though, so I'm afraid will be a 'no' from him.

All best wishes,

So, not a bad result. But I will still be going on my own...never mind.
That'll do for now...

1st Blog Post...


I'm John. John Williams.

I've created this blog with the intention of updating frequently with my misdemeanors, adventures, future plans, current ideas and anything that I may feel necesary to share with...(checking who/how many are following me)...myself by the looks of it. Early days.

I suppose I should tell you some things about me.

As you have already read, I'm John Williams. The 'B' in 'jbwilliamz' (word up) stands for Benjamin. Which I honestly only learnt to spell about 8yrs ago. I'm 26. It's been Banjamain, Ban-jamin, Benjimin and Banjemine. Imagine the look of the driving instructors face when I had to re-spell my own name. Speaking of spelling mistakes, I remember when I went on work experience to a local Architects firm when I was 14 and spelt a local town of Betws (5 letters like…) wrong because I was so nervous. Bettws. Christ. Then I went on to explain to the co-owner (who had an English accent) that's how you spell Betws in Welsh. He then picked the phone up and had a full blow conversation…that's right…in Welsh whilst scribbling out my mistake.

So, I'm originally from a rugby background. I once refused to turn up to a single training session for 4yrs for my local team, Ammanford, then got made captain for a season for the 2nds. ?. My rugby achievements include, scoring a hattrick of tries and a total of 29pts in one game (although the opposite outside half was 40+ and talked to himself whilst trying to kick a rugby ball with his shin), I have a Welsh Schools Champions Medal when I was 14, I have played social 7's for The Aber BaaBaas where we won the newly dubbed 'Super Bowl' in a national tournament where we played a team called Hogwarts. We won by 10+ tries before the game being stopped early, we also got some abuse for entering a tournament where we were clearly a step up from the opposition…bless 'em. And I lost a couple of games for Ammanford 2nd's too, which, strangely didn’t bother me?! Wuuups.

Now, in all honesty I turned to triathlon when I saw Marc Jenkins in the Olympics puncture his tyre. Most people would have given up, no medal = no point finishing. But to carry his bike for 2km then finish the race in last position sums up the mentality of a triathlete perfectly. Something that I clearly was lacking. 4yrs without a single training session in rugby!?

Marc Jenkins - Olympic Hero

Anyway, back to me.

I got into triathlon around 4yrs ago. My first race was the Bala Olympic Triathlon (1.5km swim / 40km cycle / 10km run) in 2005 where I finished…just before the one in 2006. Position wise, I placed 290th from 490 with a time of 2:42:19. (28:45 for the swim / 1:16:35 for the cycle / 55:58 for the run). During this tri, there were many firsts:

  1. My first ever open water swim (2nd time in the suit - first time was wearing it in the shop, very very sexy if I must add)
  2. My first ever 40km cycle
  3. My first ever 10km run after my first ever 40km cycle
  4. The first time I stepped on a banana barefoot (sorry to the dude next to me…glad I didn't see you after the race)

Since then, I have entered and completed a total of 12 triathlons, duathlons and a sportif. Completing all I have entered - taken on Marc Jenkins attitude. Although he was in the Olympics and I was in Cosmeston, Llanelli and Llandovery.

I'll add more about myself at a later date…for now, I'm cooked!!