Wednesday, 2 December 2009

9th Blog Post...It's all gone tits up...

Hmmmm, this could be awkward...

Last year I entered the Merlin Cycle - a 70+mile sportif around Carmarthenshire where I was unofficially 7th home last year...I also hailed myself John Boonen for months after...I even signed into Working Mens clubs under this name. It's cause I'm cool.

World Champion innit....quick question, is Coke a performance enh....what?

Anyhow, I woke up at 5:50am for the 7am start fully anticipating cycling the 15 miles to the start...but unfortunately, I fell asleep with a bowl of porridge on my crotch watching "Aerobics Oz Style". So in essence, I missed the event...

Very informative....apparenlty?

So, out of guilt, I decided to cycle the 70+ miles on a different (better...neh!) route...I had to pass the dreaded 'Sugar Loaf Mountain/Hill' then double back over myself and take on the 'Black Mountain'. Great cycle.

Anywhoo, whilst at the top of the first mountain, The Sugar Loaf, I pulled into the car park to 'adjust' myself and take on some fluid. Looked down and found 4 photos face down? Out of curiosity, I flipped one over and to my amazement, it turned out to be some bird with her bush out? The next photo was the same bird with her funbags out!!
I hastily turned the other two photos over (after checking around to see if Jeremy Beadle was in a bush filming me...) and it just got better...she had her whaps out and was socks?!!! a caravan.

Small hand of the Law...watchit!

She looks foreign. And she smokes. And there was a 1.5l bottle of Woodpecker. Brilliant.

Tubesocks....the new wonderbra...?!

Anyway, my memory of late has been a bit...err...shite. So I titally (see what I did there) forgot about the photos...until last week. I had a sudden flashback to the photos, ran upstairs to my bedroom and found out that my mother had rearranged my sock drawer?! Feeeeecccckkk.

Photos have disappeared and there hasn't been any mention of the 'glam' shots over our traditional family sit down over 'bubble & squeak' on Monday nights....

Hmmmmm, how do I get around this issue without coming across (not literally) like a pervert?! It's bad enough I spend the majority of my time in lycra as it is...

Any help appreciated...

Rover and out.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

8th Blog Post...Tears of a lost friend...goodbye my 'doo'...

How you doing?

It's been a long time. Your hair looks good. What's that? Terrible haircut you say? Well I cut it for'd you feel now? Awful I hope.

Na, the BBC reports were true. My girlfriend butchered my ever disappearing doo since I last posted on 'ere.

Click to make it bigger...pervert.

I, regrettably, asked my girlfriend to give me a 'trim' but she decided to give me a reverse Mohawk. Rubbish look at the best of times, but when you're already balding and cherish all 372 occupied follicles, then it isn't even funny.

What's that? Yes, it is a pearl necklace...What? Na, I'm Britney...Alien 3? What you on about..?

Funnily (ha), as it happened on a Sunday, my instant reaction (bar the obvious obscenity...) was to count my remaining leave as I didn't fancy going to work just to be abused. With Christmas coming up, it was unfortunately slim pickings. Option 1 - OUT.

My next thought was GBH (girlfriend). Option 2 - OUT.

What? Na, I only said his hair was nice...and that he was great in Alien 3...

Option 3 - next in the process was sudden realisation that it all had to come off...there was no turning back. The Doo had to go. It had was summoned to a happier place. It was handed it's P45. get the jist.

It's been two weeks since my scalp was err....scalped. Imagine, if possible, an even more brutal version of 'Last of the Mohicans'. I've convinced my work colleagues that I did it for charity...partly for a cowards way out and also just to see their expression when I tell then the 'cause' when they finish mocking me. I do feel bad. But not as bad as them....

Before you ask;

A) yes, it is actually cold in winter
B) it is MUCH more manageable than having a doo
C) I do look like something along the lines of a well kempt testicle, a mouldy scotch egg, a worn tennis ball (Dumlop, if you will) or a malnutrition paper boy/man who lost his wig in a gale.

Like this...but 'rusty' and a little more worn...

So, my training. It's been going pretty well as of late. I got off to a painful start after taking 5 weeks off post Vitruvian at the beginning of September. I managed to find a small 1.5 mile mtb loop around my local area (not my genitals) and it worked a treat to get back into the groove (ahhahaha...groove, who the f**k am I kidding?). Anyhow, since I'm working a typical 9-5, the only chance I get to ride the loop is after work, when it's dark. I cycled up there once with my new lights, Fenix TK11, and no sooner had I got up there, I turned around. My downfall was I started thinking of rapists, leprechauns, muggers and those filthy ramblers. I'm still yet to go up there with the lights.

Last week I had full intentions of going up to Brechfa to do some serious trail riding...but, as I packed my bike into the back of my sisters Volkswagen Beetle (proper mtb haulage ve-hickle), drove the 45mins to get there whilst stopping to put petrol in the frigging thing, pulled into the car park (had some bizarre looks from a couple of dudes), put the roof down, climbed all over the car, pulled the bike out, started fixing things together, realized I forgot the front wheel skewer, repacked the bike, put the roof back down, gave the two dudes the 'bird' as I drove home looking cool and went up the black mountain. FAIL.

Where's the wheel skewer? I though you had it? No...

To make the day a total success, I managed to get lost and had to carry the bike for over an hour through rivers, bogs, reeds and bushes before turning up at some farm preparing myself to be set upon by the 6ft 7 farmers daughter and kept as a sex slave. Needless to say, they were very kind and told me to follow their farm track to the bottom of the road and I head off home. Awesome.

My running has gone backwards....rapidly. I'm still (occasionally...twice) running with the running club. But I have come to the conclusion that I'll try get 2 runs a week in. Tuesday is long, steady running. Thursday is balls out running (not genitals). That should keep me ticking over until after the Yak Attack when I'll up the swimming & running in prep for Ironman Austria 70.3.

Swimming - none since the beginning of September. Classic.

My dog just busted my delete button?!

Oh, I climbed up Snowdon the other day too...I'm toying with the idea of cycling up there and back...logistics and that first. Also, must sort my memory out too. Forgot my walking daps before going up there. I purposely left them on the B&B bed, then walked out without them. Awesome.

Err...anything else?

Oh aye, I got my training plan from Matt Tippett at Elite Triathlon Performance Australia through last night too. Back in the fold again.
Should be an interesting couple of months coming up...

Oh, I can also recommend exfoliating your perineum then dabbing some cool menthol shower gel in the area. I imagine it's like sliding on a frosty banister. The breezy gooch, if you will.

Chow, for now.

New hairdoo....or bargain?

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

7th Blog Post...The Vitruvian Triathlon Race Report

The Vitruvian Triathlon - September 5th 2009
1,900m open water swim - 85km cycle - 21km run (half marathon for the slower readers)

Well, my forage into the world of Half continues for another year.
Last year I did the same event, and managed to *pick your own description from - scuttle, roll, limp, crawl, cry, meander, flop or painfully cross the line in a commendable 5hrs 08mins and 03seconds.
I wrote a race report for last year for my first attempt at the distance. Here it is...

With that all in mind, I managed to get myself a coach...Matt Tippett from Elite Triathlon Performance Australia. I met him whilst living in Melbourne for 6 months and decided to give him a shout when I got back to Wales.
Turns out, he enjoys planning out sessions with, in my opinion anyway, the sole intention to make me hurt, go sick and cry. (I went sick once, hurt A LOT but never cried...ish).
Anyway, I started his sessions and at every event I entered in the lead up to the Vitruvian, I could see genuine signs of improvement! PB's were tumbling at nearly all events, which was doing my confidence wonders!

So with a solid improvement, high confidence and a well earned taper in the bank, I set off for Rutland Water in Leicestershire. Plan was to sleep in the back of my girlfriends van - awesome, parents, sister and her fella would set up a couple of tents, and dogs would be shipped off to a kennell to catch kennell cough and rabies.

After last years sham (didn't get up till gone 10pm), I decided to leave early to get up there to have plenty of rest and register before the big day.

So, after helping my sister set her camp up after arriving past 10pm (as you can see, the plan worked perfectly) I set about trying to do what I do best...sleep. And I did. And then the alarm went off at 4am. Meh.

Off to register, set up the bike, put my clothes on (I wasn't naked registering - I ment put my racing gear on) and then slip in to the wetsuit...slip/struggle...wa'eva,

Got a photo taken with two mates....

Left to right - Random dude, random dude, random dude, random dude playing with goggles, Thomas 'the peoples' Peoples, Richard 'no facial hair' Jeggo, random dude, John 'swimming hat matching my beard combo' Williams, random dude, random dude, random dude and Keith Cornish

...then set about the 1,900m swim. A two lap affair of Rutland Water and a trying to swim as close to the Rutland Belle without shitting my knickers by seeing a propeller (for some reason, I find anything large under water eerie? and also guide ropes when you can't see the bottom...that's right, I'm 26).

SWIM - 1,900m

Nothing much you can write about the swim to be honest, bar the first 10m being caked with sea-weed, then somehow, I must have hit the shallow end on the far side of the lake due to me stroking the floor for a few meters?
Avoided shitting my knickers by not looking at the Belle...if you laughed at that, grow up.
My mother managed to take a pretty sweet photo of me diving back in for the 2nd lap - even more impressive when you consider that she started on the wine at 4:30am. Amy Winehouse's got shit on her! 1 good photo, and the rest are blurred...not a bad effort.

Swim done in - 30:58 (2:15 quicker than 2008)


Got into T1, struggled with my really slack wetsuit...pah, couldn't get it past my watch nor timing chip...then, if you check how long I was in there, I apparently made a cup of tea, watched 3 episodes of 24, dismantled then re-assembled my bike, read the bible....twice, put my gels in my back pockets then set off...
Good thing about this year was, I didn't feel dizzy or sick...kicking for the last 150m really works?!!

T1 done in - 2:04

CYCLE - 85km

Got out of transition, played frogger with the two dudes in front of me. One struggling to get his foot in, the other just fell over. Bless him.
2 laps including the infamous Rutland Ripple...which I find a lot easier than it looks!! From the hill looking down, it's quite impressive, but with the speed you can carry going down then it isn't that much trouble...the biggest issue is the amount of traffic and other cyclist (even if one of them is Thomas Peoples who raised himself off the seat to fart just as he passed smelt like burnt hair), especially the 2nd lap, but other than that, it's a pretty quick course. What made it a little trickier this year was the headwind, pretty tough on the way out, but then more than enjoyable coming back...great fun!! The disc was a good choice...and it sounds fast. Sweet.
Managed to stick to my nutrition plan of 2 x 750ml bottles of 100g High5 and a High5 banana bar...worked a treat! Also took 500ml of water in case things went pear-shaped!

Bike done in - 2:30:32 (8:08 quicker than 2008)


Now, I thought I was in and out. But apparently it took me 1:02. Tits.

RUN - 21km

This is where I struggled last year...I managed to bumble around in 1:55 and it hurt a lot. So much so, I promised myself that I wouldn't enter anything more than a sprint from then on in. Ah well, I had some scores to settle!!
I had intentions of, realistically, running anything under 1:45...but had a feeling it would be around the 1:46-48 margin.
Again, a two lap affair.
As soon as I got off the bike I settled into a comfortable running rhythm, it felt weirdly good?! Had my 4 gels to take at the 5km marks, then 1 for emergency. The first three 5km were brilliant, managed to get around with no fuss and got down my 3 gels and water...although I nearly choked on water at one point - note to self, learn to run with plastic cup and not end up blinded, drowning and covered in spit. Sweet look!!!
The last 5-6km was and still is, pretty painful! Although 2008's run made this half marathon feel like an easy hurt nigh on the entire 21km in 2008.

Run done in (great rhyming) - 1:37:04 (18:32 quicker than 2008)

Total - 4:41:53 (30min+ faster then 2008)

Over the moon with the result and can't believe the improvement in my run!? Awesome!!

Post event feelings - I've had some time to think about the even (hence the report being written nigh on 4 weeks after the event finished, DOH!) and it's given me a great stepping stone to move on. My targets have changed for 2010. I've entered Ironman Austria 70.3 in July, more then likely doing the Vitruvian again and also got the Yak Attack in March. I've also got one plan, that if I manage to pull off, then that would be, without question, my greatest sporting achievement. But I'm not going to reveal what it is quite yet....

Laterz amigos!

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

6th Blog Post...James 'I have the same first name as James Bond, and will try look like him in all my photos' Martin...or, 'captain twat'.

Follwing a link I that was brought to my attention...LINK I sent an e-mail to the people that represent him. No, not Little Chef, some other company...


Howdy partners,

Just a quick e-mail to forward onto that guy who makes food for people that you represent. James ...something.
I was sent a link to the review of some car that he wrote in some fantastic daily publication that he writes for, in-between dreaming of cakes, sausages, fish fingers and rutting birds. So, I'm going to aid him in his goal of killing off all cyclist and show my utter disgust at the fact that they seem to think they can cycle where they like? The cheeky so and so's. How dare they get in our way, don't they know that presumably safe, quiet country roads are used for Little Chef chef's finest 'English breakfast buns' maker for his private really fast car testing route?! Idiots.

Anyway, I'll add to some of the points that Jeremy Clarkson...sorry, James May...sorry, James...something wrote.

Names And I hate buttocks...

God, I hate those cyclists. Every last herbal tea-drinking, Harriet Harman-voting one of them. That's one of the reasons I live in the countryside, where birds tweet, horses roam, pigs grunt and Lycra-clad buttocks are miles away. But recently, there's been a disturbing development.

Now, I won't lie to you James...something, but I'm a cyclist and a triathlete - we wear even less lycra and occasionally, rubber. But, I can confirm I have never voted for the Lord Privy Seal, nor has anyone else I know. I also have never put lip to cup on something that contains herbal tea. But then, I do have fantastic buttocks. Imagine one of your finest Little Chef peaches if you will.

I couldn't find a photo of two eggs in a hankey...meh

When you say you live in the countryside, where birds tweet, horses roam and pigs grunt, it seems as though you don't take this into consideration when you 'stepped on the gas' to overtake these spider-man cyclist...(I'm not sure I get this? Are you taking some kind of hallucinogenic drug?) So, you seem to be doing a fantastic job of announcing yourself as a bit of an idiot. But then again, you make food for a living. Like Ronald McDonald and the guy from KFC. And the guy who owns the local Kebabery, Abra-Kebabra. So, I suppose we could be asking too much for 'a pinch' of common sense and 'a teaspoon' of intelligence. Hey-ho.

Each Saturday, a big black truck appears at the bottom of my road, with bikes stuck to the roof and rear. Out of it step a bunch of City-boy ponces in fluorescent Spider-Man outfits, shades, bum bags and stupid cleated shoes, who then pedal around our narrow lanes four abreast with their private parts alarmingly apparent. Do they enjoy it? They never smile. I'm sure they just come here to wind me up.

A big black truck? Is it the A-team? And I bet you wouldn't go no-where near Face, Hannibal, Howling Mad Murdock or BA Baracus on a bike, which in turn makes sense since he 'WONT GET ON NO PLANE.....FOOL!

How dare they pull up on the bottom of your road. Ponces indeed.

I enjoy it, but then I have fantastic buttocks, so cars slow down to admire it, then slowly whilst indicating with friendly wave and a flash from a camera amble past without a 'dash' of fuss.Ha ah ha, yes, yes. I assume the A-Team travel in their big black truck, just to wind you up. They haven't got anything better to do, i.e. save the world from terrorists who can't shoot straight and shout a lot in really warm weather. Duh.

Anyway, the other day Live sent me the new eco-friendly electric car. Not a G-Wiz (if they did that I'd be off (oh...we all but wish) ), but a Tesla Roadster, trumpeted as the world's first battery-powered sports car. It costs £90,000, does 130mph, but emits 89g/km less carbon than a Toyota Prius - ie, none at all.

G-Wiz? Could explain the reason you've been seeing Spiderman on a bike on your road?! Trumpeted, vintage reporting James...something?.

So naturally, the first customers were tree-huggers Leonardo DiCaprio and George Clooney. It's very Californian, this car. Company boss Elon Musk is a Silicon Valley multimillionaire, so that's where they build them - but it's actually based on Norfolk's own Lotus Elise.

Yes, naturally. If it's based on Norfolk's own Lotus Elise, then I'm guessing you must have driven the entire duration whilst holding your breath? Or did you rustle up some eco friendly lube in your kitchen then winch yourself in...? Anyway, I'm impressed. Chapeau.

But I don't care about any of that, and here's why. Twenty minutes into my test drive I pulled round a leafy bend, enjoying the birdsong - and spotted those damned Spider-Man cyclists. Knowing they wouldn't hear me coming, I stepped on the gas, waited until the split second before I overtook them, then gave them an almighty blast on the horn at the exact same time I passed them at speed. The look of sheer terror as they tottered into the hedge was the best thing I've ever seen in my rear-view mirror. I think this could be the car for me.

Recession hit hard...even Spidey hit the crime wave...couldn't even afford a gun. Tut tut

Enjoying the birdsong? Right, that's it. What were you taking? Was it some sort of homemade brew with extracts of garlic, tree bark, dog hair and dwarf saliva?!
Well, since you were more than likely holding your breath whilst driving, I'm sure you snuck up like a stealthy sea-lion with a steering wheel...

Now, in all seriousness, what you did makes you sound like an absolute clown. You idiot. So what would have happened if the cyclists hit the hedge? Cause serious damage to themselves...would you feel guilty or would you carry on in "the car for you" regardless and repeat the previous act of idiocy to the next group of cyclists? Did you consider that they may have had families and loved ones? Obviously not, you "birdsong" listening fool.

I have no respect for you and would have no qualms about telling you to your face that you are a 'twat'.


What's your beef with me? Peter Parker.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

5th Blog Post...Still gunning for getting someone famous to come with me to Nepal...This week, Ironman World Champion, Chrissie Wellington

This is the e-mail that is waiting to be sent to Chrissie Wellington...World Ironman Champion and alround nice lady....

Right-ho Chrissie, how you feeling?

Recently I have been sending e-mails to many as many people, companies, suppliers...etc with the the idea of getting myself sponsorship/backing/company/friendship for an event that I'm doing next March in Nepal. It's called the
Yak Attack, and in a nutshell, it's a 12 day MTB adventure....hang on, I'll just copy and past the description from the website.

(*the equivalent of 6,686.42 of this little
guy standing on his own shoulders...which quite frankly, I would spill blood to see)

Sexiest man alive or fingers that look too simular to a pub snack...Twiglets?

Now, with this in mind (the adventure, not the tower of dwarves), I would like to send you an invitation to join me in Nepal next March. I know you are a big fan of the area, and also spent some time there in the past. If you are worried about the prospect of keeping up with me on the trip then don't, I will take my time for you. I did finish 7th in my last triathlon in Llanelli (a lot like Nepal I imagine), but don't be fooled by that figure. I was beaten by some very strong athletes who have been in the business for at least.....2 races.

The likes of Thomas ap Thomas (swims like a tuna and is a part time trombonist for the local church), Dafydd ap Iwan (claimed to invent the 'cesar salad'...jury is still out), Adolf-Mark Hughes (guess who he was named after...that's right, Mark Hughes), Owain Hermon (owner of Ammanford's largest congregation of sheep and also, the 3rd largest ant farm in South Wales) and Sarah & Sara Stevens (they owns the local bike can jump to your own conclusions on them...has webbed hands and big ears. Oh, and are conjoined twins.) are not to be taken lightly as their local knowledge, unmatchable inbred strength, scores of support (brothers, mothers, fathers, sisters, aunties, farm animals, boyfriends and girlfriends - usually the same person) and Raleigh Activators are nigh on impossible to compete with.

To the point though, I've never been to Nepal and am looking forward to the trip and being completely out of my comfort zone (in front of tele watching repeats of Count Duckula whilst eating my Kellogg's variety pack and warmed Ribena. Not in the same bowl. Although...). But, I wouldn't mind some company in doing the trip, my Nepalese sucks and even more concerning, I great people I don't know with a nervous high 5 and within 2mins, I tend to make an inappropriate joke...pffft....don't ask!

I should tell you though, you aren't the first person I have asked (I feel as though I have cheated on you...sorry). I did send an e-mail to Ben Fogle and James Cracknell asking if they would like a REAL challenge instead of building snowmen and having snowball fights in the Antarctic. They both said no, so obviously not a fan of lycra or they just don't like Nepal. Although it could just be the fact that I told them I was ginger and wear lycra. Meh.

I've also sent an e-mail to many Mtb companies, and any company I thought that was relevant (when I say relevant, I wanted a free pair of Oakley's...they also said no. I feel as though they have an issue with a ginger person wearing their glasses in public, where, if anyone should have a pair of Oakley's, it should be ginger people. We attract the sun like no other specimen on Earth - including solar panels). But in all fairness, Probikekit have given me some
exposure by broadcasting my letters to the world and offering me some stuff.... Trek have offered me a very generous discount on one of their bikes and Oakley turned me down solely on the fact that I have red hair....apparently.

So, with all this in mind. And if your still reading (a very well done, much bigger accomplishment than one of those Ironman races you occasionally do), I would be very happy to hear from you.

Please, if you don't like the e-mail, delete it. Please don't refer it to the police. I'm officially on my so called 'last strike' in the UK and Australia. In the UK, I accidentally called a police man
'Columbo' after he claimed I was doing 40mph whilst he was on foot he could work out my speed I still don't know?! And in Australia, I was given a very public spiritual de-pantsing by a zoo keeper in Melbourne by trying to convince the tourists that Koala's were in fact err...asexual. I didn't realize he could hear me and it was all a bit of fun. Again, meh.

The naked Swan hand puppet showed no remorse as it went straight for the lazy eye....

Also, I will include my blog that you can read from time to time.

Cheers Chrissie,
John (can you get me some Oakley's?)

Will post the reply as soon as she sends something back....

Thursday, 20 August 2009

4th Blog Post...THE Letter

This was my attempt at gaining sponsorship/backing for the Yak Attack. I was sent a link to a website that gave hints/tips on how to get I did the exact opposite!!


Wasssup guys,

I’ve been reading through ’supposed’ tips on how to gain sponsorship, funding, backing…etc for athletes over the last couple of months in aid to get myself some help with a race I\’m aiming for. Now, all the tips have told me to write formal, structured correspondence, whilst highlighting the goal and projecting a professional outlook.

I’m not going to do that. You probably have these e-mails all the time. So to stand out, I’m gonna base this on comedy and self character assassination.

Basically, I’m a ginger triathlete. Although this hasn’t alienated all my friends, it certainly hasn’t done me any favors. I spend a majority of my in lycra and rubber. Now, if I had legs carved out of rich mahogany, it would be a good look. But, as you can probably guess (the ginger bit), I’m as pale as the background of this very e-mail. Fantastic. Now, if your still reading, good job. It gets worse.

My triathlon err…career? has spanned over 5yrs. Notably the first 3 were pretty much very slow – slow. And I’m sure there are people still out on the courses waiting for me to finish. (plus point no1, I’ve never failed to finish an event) Now the last two years have been a big improvement, triathlon wise, I’m still ginger. From finishing in the final third of the field, I’m now hovering around the top 10. Including winning my first trophy in my last event. It’s pure gold, apparently they melted two of Mr.T not-so-needed bling to create this very trophy. Yep, that’s right. 3rd Senior Male. Imagine Gwyneth Paltrow at theOscars for my acceptance speech.

Epic fail.

Still reading? Nice!

Now, I did complete a Half Ironman distance last year, and am planning on racing the same event this year to see how much I have hopefully improved (5th of Sept 09). I will not win a trophy in this event. Although I will glue the aforementioned trophy to the front of my wetsuit, bike and running hat in homage to my past glory.

You’ve probably stopped reading.

Some bullet points about my interests;

I’m ginger
I enjoy a crisp apple
I don’t tan that well
I have a ginger beard
I once ate 24 doughnuts without licking my lips
I’m a big fan of Celine Dion’s old stylee teeth
And I feel that Rob Schnider is one of the most underrated actors of all time

Now, the *good part. (I did put *juicy in there, but changed it to good. ‘Juicy’ made me heave)

The race I’m doing is The Yak Attack.
The Yak Attack It’s a good ‘un.

Never done it before, and as far as I’m aware, I’m the first ever Welshman with a ginger beard and a triathlon trophy to attempt it. It’s not going to be easy…it’s been dubbed ‘one of the hardest races in the world’. Fantastic. A brief of what I will attempt to endure….

420km over 10 days with over 8000m of climbing – peaking at an awe inspiring 5416m.

With the altitude of the event in mind, (serious bit) 5,416ft, I have e-mailed the conditioning coach of the Welsh Rugby Union (WRU) and British and Irish Lions for some information on altitude training, problems and other relevant factors and to my surprise, he has agreed for me to go to the WRU Indoor Training Barn to meet him in person and have a good natter about all things mountainous and oxygen depleted.

So far, I have a 4 season sleeping bag and some of the clothing needed. I’ve paid for the deposit and am looking to find a lightweight Mtb to ride/carry for the event. Now, the aim of the e-mail is to reach out to your kindness, warmth, selfnesslessnessism, generosity, free stuff, money and backing. Could be anything from a bike, small donation, small pieces of equipment or even a ‘good luck e-mail’ will do. Nothing abusive. I already get enough of this.I’m ginger, wear lycra and rubber and enjoys apples – I’m a walking bully magnet. In return, I will keep a blog on the net, drum up local newspaper support (I have a friend in ‘high places’ that I can blackma…err, contact about getting a couple of articles) and generally plug your product with every living breath (if you get me?).

So, if you feel the need to send me anything, or want to ask any questions…fell free to e-mail me. I’ll even put my phone number down incase you type like my father. One finger stylee. Which will take you a while.

Looking forward to hearing from you hombres,

John Williams

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

3rd Blog Post...Pichers!

Gonna attach some photos for you...face to the name and that.

Llanelli Tri - 2009
The trophy. Or a rubbish Holy Grail?

2nd Blog Post...The Yak Attack - March 2010

I've entered the The Yak Attack in March 2010. Basically, it's a MTB ride over one of the highest mountain passes in the World. Here's a brief of the event that I was sold on...




420KM OVER 10 DAYS *(Pfffft, not about the distances my ar*e!!) WITH OVER 8000M OF CLIMBING – PEAKING AT AN AWE INSPIRING 5416M.


5416m is the equivalent of 17 Eiffel Towers or for some of the less traveled people, 3,008 Ikea Wardrobes or 3185 Tom Cruise's.

With all this in mind, I have contacted the Welsh Rugby Union (WRU) and British & Irish Lions conditioning coach Craig White regarding getting some info about the effects of altitude and how to prepare and deal with it once there. Although he's buggered off to Thailand for 4 weeks. So should be meeting with him sometime during the end of September 09. Will keep you updated...

Now the funny parts. I had the idea of inviting James Cracknell and Ben Fogle to join me out in Nepal during watching their show...On Thin Ice (documentary about their Arctic adventure). So, here is the e-mail I sent to the PA's of the two dudes...

How do,

Was watching your man on the tele box last night doing his Antarctic walk, crawl, fall, ski, camp...etc and thought to myself;'He seems like a bit of an idiot'. (Not the offensive one, idiot as in mental, crazy or bonkers - I coined that phrase waaaay before Dizzee, Dizzy, Dizee....Daisy Rascal)

So, I would cordially like to invite Ben Fogle/James Cracknell to join me in Nepal in March for a bike ride so that he can look after me, and make sure I don't do anything stupid like fall off a mountain, ride a Yak, get lost in the Annapurna's (I'll check where that is and get back to you soon*) or become involved in witch craft due to my rare blend of pale skin, a rich mahogany beard (that's right, ginger) and the ability to look terribly offensive in lycra or rubber. There are witches in Nepal right? If not, forget the above statement.

Anyway, formalities. I've entered a race called the Yak Attack - Showdown in the Annapurnas. It's a mountain bike race which involves tight clothing, padded rears and lots of climbing, near 420km of riding and 8,000m of climbing with temperatures ranging from er…warm to cold, then back to warm again. The event starts on the 8th of March and finishes on March 20th. So that's 13 days. In 2010.

Now, before Ben/James says 'YES!! I would love to join John in his lycra in Nepal', I would like to describe myself in a paragraph or so.

My name is John Williams. I'm 26. Welsh, not from North Wales where no-one understands what they say, but South. A place called Ammanford if you want to google it. And have a 32" inside leg.

I'm from a rugby background (hardly surprising I'm Welsh) and recently, over the last 3yrs become a triathlete. I have completed races from sprint (400m swim, 25km cycle and 5k run) to Olympic (1.5km swim….then double the previous distances…ish) and more recently, a Half Ironman (1.9km swim, 85km cycle and a 21km run).

I'm not vegetarian, my favorite color is red…no blue, I enjoy a good apple, I have two dogs and a girlfriend (should that be the other way round?)…I have a girlfriend and two dogs (not sure) and grew a beard to annoy my girlfriend but no the two dogs. I also ate 24 doughnuts without licking my lips a few years ago - a lot harder than it sounds.

Righto, I think that's enough about me. So, if Ben/James (I haven't put Ben down first due to favoritism, it's alphabetical) would like to join me on my trip, 'Holla back ya'll'.
Yours sincerely (with deepest regrets about mentioning 'The ginger beard'), John B Williams I have included a picture of myself so you can see what I….(obviously) look like. This could be make or break in the deal to get Ben/James onboard.

*The Annapurna's are in the attached photo; (according to wikipedia - which everyone knows can be wrong…I once edited a paragraph about a friend of mine who plays rugby professionally to include "Emyr Lewis is a professional rugby player who currently plays for Neath RFC. He has exceptionally big ears and has a gap in his two front teeth and often struggles to say the letter 'R' to the amusement to his 'wugby fwiends'" I've highlighted the part I edited incase you couldn't decide which part was fibs (lies).



From Ben Fogle's people.

Thanks so much. I have forwarded your email onto Ben.x

From James Cracknell's people.

Hi John,

Thanks for your email. Very amusing and one of the more original emails that we've had in... Afraid James isn't taking on any more commitments at the moment though, so I'm afraid will be a 'no' from him.

All best wishes,

So, not a bad result. But I will still be going on my own...never mind.
That'll do for now...

1st Blog Post...


I'm John. John Williams.

I've created this blog with the intention of updating frequently with my misdemeanors, adventures, future plans, current ideas and anything that I may feel necesary to share with...(checking who/how many are following me)...myself by the looks of it. Early days.

I suppose I should tell you some things about me.

As you have already read, I'm John Williams. The 'B' in 'jbwilliamz' (word up) stands for Benjamin. Which I honestly only learnt to spell about 8yrs ago. I'm 26. It's been Banjamain, Ban-jamin, Benjimin and Banjemine. Imagine the look of the driving instructors face when I had to re-spell my own name. Speaking of spelling mistakes, I remember when I went on work experience to a local Architects firm when I was 14 and spelt a local town of Betws (5 letters like…) wrong because I was so nervous. Bettws. Christ. Then I went on to explain to the co-owner (who had an English accent) that's how you spell Betws in Welsh. He then picked the phone up and had a full blow conversation…that's right…in Welsh whilst scribbling out my mistake.

So, I'm originally from a rugby background. I once refused to turn up to a single training session for 4yrs for my local team, Ammanford, then got made captain for a season for the 2nds. ?. My rugby achievements include, scoring a hattrick of tries and a total of 29pts in one game (although the opposite outside half was 40+ and talked to himself whilst trying to kick a rugby ball with his shin), I have a Welsh Schools Champions Medal when I was 14, I have played social 7's for The Aber BaaBaas where we won the newly dubbed 'Super Bowl' in a national tournament where we played a team called Hogwarts. We won by 10+ tries before the game being stopped early, we also got some abuse for entering a tournament where we were clearly a step up from the opposition…bless 'em. And I lost a couple of games for Ammanford 2nd's too, which, strangely didn’t bother me?! Wuuups.

Now, in all honesty I turned to triathlon when I saw Marc Jenkins in the Olympics puncture his tyre. Most people would have given up, no medal = no point finishing. But to carry his bike for 2km then finish the race in last position sums up the mentality of a triathlete perfectly. Something that I clearly was lacking. 4yrs without a single training session in rugby!?

Marc Jenkins - Olympic Hero

Anyway, back to me.

I got into triathlon around 4yrs ago. My first race was the Bala Olympic Triathlon (1.5km swim / 40km cycle / 10km run) in 2005 where I finished…just before the one in 2006. Position wise, I placed 290th from 490 with a time of 2:42:19. (28:45 for the swim / 1:16:35 for the cycle / 55:58 for the run). During this tri, there were many firsts:

  1. My first ever open water swim (2nd time in the suit - first time was wearing it in the shop, very very sexy if I must add)
  2. My first ever 40km cycle
  3. My first ever 10km run after my first ever 40km cycle
  4. The first time I stepped on a banana barefoot (sorry to the dude next to me…glad I didn't see you after the race)

Since then, I have entered and completed a total of 12 triathlons, duathlons and a sportif. Completing all I have entered - taken on Marc Jenkins attitude. Although he was in the Olympics and I was in Cosmeston, Llanelli and Llandovery.

I'll add more about myself at a later date…for now, I'm cooked!!