Blog

End of season looming...

2011-09-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

My foray into bike racing is slowly proving a success!

With one Cat 3/4 and two Cat 4 races under the bib shorts, I've amassed a huge 8pts. 2 short of the 10 I need.

Unfortunately, I'm blaming not moving up a Cat (...yet) on Conan the Barbarian and my deteriorating memory/brain. If I could poke it with a stick, I would. God only knows I've tried...well, unintentionally with a cotton bud. Kinda hurt.

It was back in the days when my mother would plant me in front of the TV as a child for a moments peace. I somehow found Conan the Barbarian (huge Arnie fan) whilst flicking through the 4 channels. The scene depicted what looked like green slime being poured down someone's ear, presumably for torture. Anyway...whilst in the shower with my ridiculous imagination, I was playing around with the old mint, green shampoo we had. That's right, same colour as the slime. Yep...in my ear. I survived, but I imagine that there's some form of long term damage that would ultimately come back and haunt me; and it did, in Crit racing and my inability to remember anything relatively important.

Anyway, the relevance of all this shit chat above is, I forgot to send a license away that would have enabled me to collect the points from last week where I finished 3rd...and could've collected 6pts. As I left it so late (intended to do it in July...muh'), I missed out on the points so have one round of points from 3 races.

Fast forward to last night, I finished 2nd...by inches. There must've been roughly a foot between 1st, 2nd and 3rd. I was awarded "The Most Aggressive Rider" during the race and given a free Power Testing session at Pro Motion Dynamics in Cardiff. Cheers for that guys!

I spent most of my time near the front and often caught myself leading, unintentionally. For the first few laps I was trying to get away...if I'm gonna drive the ~50 miles to Cardiff, I'm going to make the most of the race and attack. It was nigh on impossible to get off, despite efforts (inc a couple Cardiff Ajax riders) and a couple others; there was simply too much headwind on one section of the track.

With the race nearing the 30mins, I was taking it easy on the front and no-one would come through...a controlled pace and everyone seemed to sit behind. Then, when the counter hits 10 laps to go, the pace increased.

2 laps left and two guys went for it...they got a decent gap in but faded towards the final 1/2 lap...the bunch caught up and I decided to go for it before the two were back in the group. Fortunately, I was behind some guy built like a sail and got a free ride until he clipped the wheel of the guy next to him (no-one to blame, just racing...) and stacked it. Big time! He was ok bar some serious skin rash and some nasty looking cuts to his face/head.

Anyway, with two guys approaching the line I started picking up some time on them before squeezing through in between for 2nd place. So that's a 3rd and 2nd in two races...

One last race to get 2 points. Can't wait till Monday....!

Photos to follow (providing I can steal them from Cardiff Jiff).

In the mean time, here's some random photos I've taken in the last few weeks.

Winnings...

79.3 Km/ph...

Lanza...

There she is...

Stings...

Cycling too much. My arse hurts...

2011-08-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

So yah...this year has been written off through injury.

Summed up with the fact I still can't run, I can cycle and have done lots and I can still swim...although I've not been in a pool for nearly two months.

I've started and finished one Criterium race which too my delight, was shortened. On first impressions, I though:

"Shortened Crit = less time to suffer"

When in fact, it's shortened, so everyone goes that little bit faster.

The usual setup of a Crit goes a lil' something like this.

You get yourself a closed circuit (in Pembreys case, a racing circuit). You then add some riders, in this case, 45 of us. The abilities range from 4th Cat* racers; Me or newbie's and 3rd Cat* racers; people who've accumulated enough point to move up from 4th Cat.

* You gain points from finishing in the top 10 of the field and the points are distributed through the first finishers. Not sure how many points, but that's how it rolls. When you gain enough points in one season, you move up into the next Cat. It goes; 4th Cat -> 3rd Cat -> 2nd Cat -> 1st Cat -> Elite.

The format I raced was "supposed" to be 1hr + 1 lap. Instead, due to delays, it changed to 45mins + 1 lap.

So they gunned it from the off. I just wanted to finish in the main pack and not get dropped. Anyhow, after averaging ~30mph for 45mins I was pleased to finish in the main bunch. A tough workout, but good fun. I haven't done one since for various reason...I say various, I've been lazy.

I've also done the Merlin ride. A 75 mile Sportif in Carmarthenshire. Good fun and takes in all my training routes. I missed the start as I was by the car taking a piss, then caught a big group after ~15 miles after going through all the back markers. The thing with Sportifs' is, it's not a race, although I like using them as a hard training session. I like the feel of them and you do get the odd group who take them faaar too seriously, but it's all good. Anyway, I got bored of riding in the group for ~10 miles and decided to have a go on my own and see who'd follow. Turns out...no-one. Loved the local climbs and just got quicker through he day...finished with the 4th quickest time...but it's not a race. Loved it.

The other "race" I had to look forward to was a MTB Enduro in Afan Argoed. The 100k jobbie...yeah, well...that got cancelled due to some "made up" disease: The Sudden Death Oak Disease. Awesome.

So I'm off to Lanzarote in a couple weeks. I'll rent a bike for a few days and cycle into the wind and see what the crack is with this Femes' climb.

Another ride I've decided to do myself which I took an idea from Paris-Roubaix, is Caernarfon-Carmarthen. The only way it resembles Paris-Roubaix is by finishing on an out-door Velodrome...there're no cobbles that I know of. Unless I go over the 2.5m strip of cobbles in Carmarthen...24,000 times.

The ride will be roughly 220km and I'll be doing this route:

I'll be starting at Caernarfon Castle then heading along the coast to Porthmadog, I'll try keep the route as coastal as possible...since it's bloody lyvly...and Blaenau Ffestiniog looks like something from Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings. Then, I'll use my climbing legs to get through the Snowdonia National Park...again, bloody lyvly. From Dolgellau, where I'd more than likely stop for some water/snack, I'll head off to Aberystwyth where I'll quickly pass through and avoid the temptation to spend three nights in the Hen Llew Ddu; where incidentally, Jesus works behind the bar. Well, I say Jesus, he's re-named himself Iestyn. Then forth towards Aberaeron to see the sea and onto the final stretch home -> Carmarthen Velodrome. The oldest active concrete Velodrome in the World. IN YOUR FACE, PARIS-ROUBAIX. You can stuff your cobbles up your lycra padded shorts.

This is actually Carmarthen Velodrome...last week.

In total, the ride will involve nigh on 3,000m of climbing (if Bikehike.co.uk can be trusted). I'll wait for some decent weather and a 50mph tailwind, then I'll jump on the train and head North...with my newly injected vaccinations and a fistful of energy bars.

What's that? Target time I hear you say?

Well...137.5 miles at an average of 16mph will give me 8hrs 30mins. Just over 18mph will be 7hrs 30mins...so somehwere around there. I think. Vague? yes. Have I got any idea? No.

Abergorlech - Red Run

Abergorlech - Finish

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

2011-05-09T06:35:00.001-07:00

Well, it's been a taxing few weeks. I've withdrawn from all races I've penned in this year; these include: Ironman Austria, Ironman Wales (technically didn't enter, but meh'), The Beaver Middle Distance, Bleanavon Triathlon, European Triathlon Championships in Spain, European Cross Triathlon Championships in Hungary and a couple local running events. Gutted.

I hold the sole blame on Ironman and the associated training (and my girly core strength, weak arse and tight hamstrings).

I've decided I won't be doing an Ironman for at least a couple years, or until I get physically stronger and balder. May do one before I'm 30...or 50.

A plus from this dark time (not really...the clocks have done forward) have been a week in Majorca with a group of lovely people from England. Proper English people....like Leicester/Loughborough England. You' know, pretend toffs.

My week changed focus before going out. It was mainly a cycling camp for me with some swimming thrown in to ease off the abused saddle area (the bit between your balls and bung hole).

I had no targets in mind (mileage wise) but wanted to cycle everyday. I bought a speedometer before going to log these miles, unfortunately, I forgot to take the magnet; a vital tool to clocking mileage/speed. Without this...I may have well guessed the miles. My guess is roughly thousands, hundreds of thousands maybe (It was actually somewhere around the 350-400 mark)?

Majorca is stunning for cycling, providing you like mountains and Germans. Mountains such as Sa Colobra, Lluc, Puig Major, Soller and The Orient (not the football team) were stunning. I liked Lluc the most...you get thrown out of the hairpins and for a second, you accelerate up hill? No idea...

I think it must the child in me (not literally), but I just enjoyed going up the hill pretending to race? I enjoyed toying with a group of Cardiff Ajax riders. One chap stuck to my wheel for the first couple Km's of the climb then put the gas on to put a gap on me...unfortunately, I didn't have to do much as he kinda went past and blew up? It was a shame as he started going backwards soon after that...even though, I put a little squirt (I'd say boot, but it wasn't that much of a change in speed) on and distanced him for the remainder of the climb. Winner (it wasn't a race...just in my head...I even gave it the "Shooter McGavin" when reaching the top....I know, cool as shit).

The first couple days I didn't really set into my "groove". I'd push too hard on the climbs, then go KABOOOM on the flats on the way home. Two days I got dropped...I even got pushed back into the group by Dave Collins (top 10/15 ranked UK MTB'er apparently?) only to be dropped out the back when he looked away for a split second.

Another error I managed was;

Day 1: HR monitor but no HR strap.
Day 2: HR strap but no HR monitor? (you're impressed, right?)
Day 3: Forgot to start my HR monitor.
Day 4: Boom. Nailed it. (I'm doing the "Shooter McGavin right now)

I'll describe some of the guys on the camp for you (apologies in advance to those who are reading about yourselves):

Richard Jeggo. Lovely chap, completely hairless, fast on the flats, goes backwards on the climbs, swims quickly due to being completely hairless, well groomed, runs very quickly due to being completely hairless, loves speedos, drinks wine, eats porridge and completely hairless. Top bloke, him.

Duncan SS. He's not a Nazi despite the abbreviated surname. Cycles very quickly, runs very quickly, eats fat and weighs nothing, has a tremendous amount of veins...imagine gluing 25 meters worth of green hosepipe to your arms and legs and you get the idea, doing the Norseman Triathlon (I wouldn't even google it, let alone enter) and looks like a handsome version of Peter Ebdon.

Claire SS. She is actually a Nazi. Super organised, cycles far and again, fast, runs quickly, weighs nothing and eats fat (you've probably guessed that she's married to Peter Ebd...Duncan by now, if not, you're an idiot), swims fast and is clearly aroused by veins.

Andy Foster. If you can imagine person with the attributes of Side-show Bob and Patrick Swayze from Point Break...then that's him. He used to do triathlon in speedos and vests. Old school mother fuc...Also enjoys candy penis.

Janette Foster. Talks about poo. A lot.

David Beale. Really nice guy, but I imagine he can't make it through the day without wanting a cuddle. He cycles like a train on the flat, tanks it downhill and does pretty well going up (providing there's a cafe at the top of the climb). He's very patriotic and sat on the Queens face.

Rebecca Sore. Davids other tiny half. She's very small. I'm not sure what height actually qualifies you as a dwarf/midget, but she can't be far off...she has an Ironman tattoo on her calf and smiles. A lot.

Dave & Sara Collins. They ride very fast. Especially David, who turns out to be in the top 10/15 in the UK at mountain biking despite being bald. Nice guys.

Martin Burder. Jesus fuc....Christ. As I've said before, he became my own John Candy (think Trains, Planes and Automobiles). He's a logistical nightmare and I was tempted to hack him into tiny pieces and stuff him in his bike bag. I got lumped with him for the majority of the last day. Next time, I'll lock my room and ignore him. HOW he cycled around the World, I'll never guess. I imagine he only popped out to get milk, then return 18 months later after 24,000 miles of cycling...without the milk.

Anyway, a great week away with some interesting/fun/hairless/Martin Burder people. Thanks for the invite guys!!

I think Martin got home? Last I sae of him, he was cycling to the airport...

Anyway, I've forgotten about what I'm talking about. Err, I think I'm gonna do John O'Groats to Lands End before August since I still can't run.

Oh, and I did a time trial the other day. Despite tasting blood and coughing for a good two hours after the 25 minutes 12 seconds (10 miles), I think...I enjoyed it? Will persevere, although being between by a teenager on a road bike with clip on bars was nearly enough. Not to mention being caught by a guy starting a minute behind me after 5 miles....turns out he's pretty good though. Meh'

That's about it?

2011-04-04T04:17:00.001-07:00

No sooner as 2011 kicks off and with a load of winter training under my belt...it comes to a screeching halt. Twice. My swimming and cycling has progressed since last year; let's face it, the only way my swimming could get worse was if I decided to swim breastroke...with weights on my ankles...in a diving suit...full of piss. You get the jyst.

My cycling, thanks to hours on the turbo trainer (indoor trainer to you non triathletes), has improved considerably. The previous winter was spent on the roads in pitch black on my MTB, which was great, if not a little wet, cold, windy. But this year, the sweat fest that is the turbo. I feel faster, I look thinner and still very pale. Nigh on translucent.

I've also changed my saddle on the Time Trial bike to the Adamo - it looks painful and for a week of so, it was. But with some perseverance I can sit on the tip of this saddle without loosing feeling in my chappy. He's happy, I'm happy...everyone is happy...including Trybikestore who made £120 off me. They're defo happy.

Back to the screeching halt: it's my left knee. I've been diagnosed with ITBS (which sounds like some kinda' loose bowel issue...but nope), and recently had a steroid injection to see if that has any effect on the area. I haven't tried running since, but swam and cycled. I'll give 2~3 weeks off running.

This Ironman lark is slowly taking it's toll. Jeggo has had to pull out due to a foot injury and I'm on the verge of getting into last minute territory* in terms of getting "run fit". I've got 14 weeks to get through including a week in Mallorca on the bike, a Half Ironman and a tough Olympic distance event in Pontypool. I've already withdrawn from a half marathon and a duathlon this year. Blow.

*Since this blog has taken me the best part of 2 weeks to write...I've changed my mind about Ironman Austria and literally, just signed the withdrawal application. With no running over 30mins since mid February and possibly another 2~4 week layoff; that'll give me 12-10 weeks for Austria to get run fit without even factoring in a decent taper. So, after discussing it with the coach, I'm pulling out and shifting the focus onto something else. I'll enter this week at some point.

In other news: On the back of last year’s results, I've got a sponsor. A triathlon store in Pembroke called Triexercise. In my desperation for sponsorship last year, I sent a load of emails out to provoke some form of reaction and it worked...although Darren from Triexercise took the best part of 5 months to realise that the "reply" button actually worked (well, that and the fact that they were in the process of moving the store...).

So, with the backing from Triexercise, it allows me to free up some funds to race abroad again this year. Something I want to do every year; even if it is one race. I did fancy doing the European Cross Triathlon Championships in Visegrad, Hungary (40k north of Budapest), but it fell on the same weekend as Ironman Austria. So, with the weekend free, I'll more than likely enter that and get to race under the GB Age-Group squad again...providing; a) my mtb still works from Nepal b) my knee works c) Visegrad doesn't resemble something out of a Eastern European snuff movie.

Anyhow, I'm back into the strength and conditioning phase and hopefully on the road to getting this knee fixed. Patience is key.

I'll just copy & paste this chat I had with Lowri in work as its pretty light hearted and made me laugh...although it makes more sense if you read from the bottom up.

From: John B Williams To: Lowri J Jones Subject: RE: Hiya!!! x Good chat. I like this. x

From: Lowri J Jones To: John B Williams Subject: RE: Hiya!!! x I just giggled loads!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it!! x

From: John B Williams To: Lowri J Jones Subject: RE: Hiya!!! x It's more of a "Hi, I'm a zebra in a fancy dress costume and I've come as a horse, but ran out of material...so 'scuse the legs". X

From: Lowri J Jones To: John B Williams Subject: Hiya!!! x

From: John B Williams To: Lowri J Jones Subject: RE: Bored. I type random letters into Word, then correct them with the spell checker to something I've never heard of and press the "look up" button. Great way to kill 30mins. Although they've kinda' dropped the ball on the "Okapis" chap. x

From: Lowri J Jones To: John B Williams Subject: RE: LMAO!!!!!! How did you find that out?!?!!? xx

From: John B Williams To: Lowri J Jones Subject: RE: Ah bless. I've eaten quite a bit so I'm due a nap. Bear with me; according to Microsoft Word, an Okapis is an African animal resembling a giraffe. Although it has a short neck. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that doesn't resemble a giraffe then?! X

From: Lowri J Jones To: John B Williams Subject: RE: I’m starting to flag now!!! I think the busy day and swimming last night are catching up wit me!!! x

On last thing; A photo of a friends dog.

12th Blog Post...the never ending story. Well...it ends at the end. Weirdly.

2011-02-16T02:48:00.000-08:00

"Ave...take a photo of me taking a photo of you" - He's a teacher. Frightening.

So, continuing on from the last entry where I left you in Spain after the calamitous ETU Long Distance Champs, I now bring you back down to sunny West Wales.

PEMBROKESHIRE COAST TRIATHLON - Welsh Olympic Distance Championships

The Pembrokeshire Coast Triathlon has become one of my favourite races over the last couple years. That and the Vitruvian. It's a very tough Olympic distance course set in stunning Broad Haven (couple pubs right on the beach...amazing for spectators, Stuart and his dog, Maximus Maximus (so good, he named him twice)).

It was held as part of the Welsh Olympic Distance Championships and included a very strong field. And a man dressed as Batman.

Starting off with a 1,500m sea swim which was all the more interesting with the strong winds and a colleagues' story ringing in the back of my head -> basically, he and a group of mates went snorkelling off the coast last year, when jumping off the boat, his mate was instantly shocked to see a Basking shark in front of him. Due to this shock, he lost all his hair and eyebrows over the next couple weeks. Personally, I would have probably died on the spot.

Anyhow, after negotiating the waves and difficult sighting, I was out of the water and I had some time to make up. All last season my swimming struggled and I shouldn't be surprised as I was probably going through the motions training wise. Looking back at my times, I'm reasonably happy with it (compared to what happened in Bala) - 25:09, but still not where I want to be (6mins down on the leading lot already).

So, decided to go as hard as I could manage on the bike knowing that I had a tough 10k to finish. Last year, I did the bike with a capped HR in mind...from that, I learnt I can race Oly's on feel and hit the bike hard. It's a hilly course on the back roads of Broad Haven, so it's not a race for PB's. In 2009 I managed a 1:23:01, 12 months on, I knocked off a 1:19:30 and could have gone a bit faster if I hadn't been stuck in traffic, I say traffic, I mean the 90yr old couple who blatantly drove past the waving marshall before stopping in the middle of the road to reverse for the sake of reversing on the sea front.

I also got in front of local Vet Chris Morris for the first time in my racing "career". I was passing a couple athletes, and upon noticing it was him, a mirror image of "what the f*ck are you doing here?" was mouthed.

Out on the run, I just wanted to stay ahead of him. Looking back, I could see that he stayed the same distance for the first 5k then I pushed on the hills trying to put some time between us. It probably stayed the same and it hurt.

Note - although stunning to look at, the coastal track hurts...and the steps don't do any favours to the quads.

Anyhow, crossing the line on the beach front was great. Great support along with Welsh cakes and tea. I finished 13th overall and 9th in the Welsh Championships. Very happy considering it was a week after the rubbish result out in Spain.

AFAN OFF-ROAD TRIATHLON - Welsh Off-Road Triathlon Championships

Next up was a spurr of the moment entry. Looking for one last race before Bala, I found that the Welsh Off-Road Triathlon Champs were being held down the road in Afan. Some seriously great trails! Knowing that I was riding well and my run was coming together, I gave it a shot.

A 600m pool swim was again, rubbish. Followed by the 500-600m run downhill into T1 to grab the MTB. Plan was to hammer it and smash myself on the 6km off road run. Knowing that Chris Morris was there again with some familiar faces from Cardiff tri along with Ryan Evans (Xterra Athlete) and British Duathlete, (looking at his results, bike/run monster) Jez Cox, I thought I may be able to get my first top 10 and at a push, maybe nudge the top 5. The bike was going well, catching people in the earlier wave on the inclines and my downhill skills were paying off too...that was until I noticed that my rear wheel was giving off some lateral movement...? Stopped, hopped off and tightened the quick release skewer...still moving. With very basic mechanical skills, I decided to plough on.

Coming to the end of the ride, there was one short, sharp incline to get over and whilst changing down the gears, the chain jammed. Again, stopped, hopped off and had to change gear by hand. Turns out I hadn't serviced the MTB since Nepal and the hammering had taken it's toll. Once on the flat section, I left it in gear and pedalled (cycled, not push drugs) my balls off.

Annoyed with myself I decided to run as hard as I could for the 6km. I loved the route! Pathways, river, steep climb and a trail to get over. Twice, being a two lap run. I caught a few people and wasn't passed, so figured I had a good run. As I was coming into the finishing 500m, I saw the remainder of the field going out. Crossing the line, I had no idea of my finishing time/position.

Stayed for the awards ceremony with Chris Morris to see him collect 3rd Vet. Saw 3rd place in the Open Male go up (Cardiff Tri) and thought I missed out on the top 3 for sure. 2nd place was Ryan Evans and first....me? WTF! Very surprised and without doubt my best race result in Triathlon.

Shame about the shorts/trainer combo. But hey, Welsh Off-Road Triathlete 2010. Boosh.

BALA TRIATHLON - British Age-Group Qualifying Race (European Championships)

Arguably one of the strongest fields in Olympic distance racing in the UK adding in a GB Age-Group Qualifying race, this was a big race. I decided to put my name down for a shot-at-a-slot (err...I've turned into Bruce Forsythe) to see how far off I'd be for the time needed. I was aiming at a sub 2:10 race and ideally, somewhere around the 2:08 mark.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the target and managed a 2:12. A bad swim, disappointing bike and a decent run pretty much paid price to the final target.
My swim was terrible...as it has been all year. And the waiting around for 5-10mins in the lake before starting (although fine during the swim) meant that I was about to cramp up badly on the bike. I've never suffered with it before, and man...it hurt. As I got out on the bike (after my nigh on 28min swim...FFS!), I was no more than 5 mile down the road when my calf...not gradually...instantly locked up in agony! I couldn't shake it off and free wheeled for a couple minutes whilst trying to stretch it out...another 5 mile, it happened again. And again. 3 times during the ride. Uuuurgh.

Got around in a respectable 1:02:12 (24mph ave...interesting...thought it was slower?).

I'd changed my running style in the months leading up to the race and converted to fore-foot racing due to me being a heel-strike runner before...which caused my knees to swell after 8-9miles. Anyhow, as soon as I started running, I cramped up...obvious with more stress on your calf during fore-foot. So, luckily, I could change back to heel strike. It was a tough run due to the constant twinge (but only locking once...at the start of the run) but ran to my limit with a sub 40min goal. Yadda, yadda...yaaa...got around in 40:12. Tits on a fish. Christ on a bike. Balls. Although I think it's a 10.25k run...but "eff it". I missed out.

Interesting thing is, I qualified for a place on the GB team. Bad thing is, it's a week before IM Austria...and in Spain.

Sensible thing is, I'm 90% NOT going to do it and try again in 2012 for the *World Long Course Champs and the *European Olympic Distance Champs. *Provisional goals.

CARDIFF HALF MARATHON - Sort of...it was 192m short

I ran as fast as my legs could carry me for 13.008 miles and finished in 1:23:32. I ate a hot dog, drank two tea's and ate another hot dog.

Very pleased...6:19 min miles.

I've lost interest in writing more in this entry...so that's it. 2010 over. Season over. Game over. End.

11th Blog Post...left it too long, so it's the first half of a season review.

2010-11-23T05:51:00.001-08:00

Haven't updated the blog for a while, so here's what's up in my world.

After the Yak Attack, I started training for the Ironman Austria 70.3 (Half Ironman) and instantly noticed the difference weight makes on performance.
I lost nigh on 7kg's in 10 days whilst limping around the Himalayas with a bike on my back. Not the ideal way to get to a 'race weight', but effective way none the less.

Just a week before going to Nepal, I received an email from The British Triathlon Association confirming I had indeed been selected to represent the in the 25-29 Age-Group in Vitoria Gasteiz, Spain on the 27th of June 2010. Great success.

Pretty exciting times. Although the prospect of running 18 miles after swimming 4,000m and cycling 120km is something I wasn't looking forward too...but, it gave me a good idea into what a full blown Ironman will be like...oh, and I entered Ironman Austria for 2011. This will entail a 3,900m swim, a 180km cycle and a marathon to finish. In one day. Well, 16hrs.

In between arriving home from the Yak and competing in Austria, I raced in Llanelli (a local open-water sprint (550m/25km/5km)). Last year I bagged my first ever tri related trophy (3rd Senior male) and the pressure was on...well, not really...

I finished in 10th from a much bigger field than the previous year with over 200 people completing the race. Last year, a meagre 50 turned out in the rain, hail, wind...armageddon.

A poor swim, a strong cycle and a good run on the day meant I finished 3mins faster than the previous year. Obvious signs that the winters training for the Yak had put me in good stead for the remainder of the season. I also remembered to take a bottle out on the bike this time unlike last year...luckily, as it was the hottest day since records began. Ever.

I missed out on a sprint finish with a Cardiff triathlete, but in sportsman like fashion, I smiled into the line...bastard.

I won the local regional title, Carmarthenshire's fastest sprint triathlete. Get me.

Following this, I went to St Polten, Austria with a "friend" of mine, Richard Jeggo. Despite obviously trying to send me in the wrong direction (I think he was worried I'd beat him?) and packing me onto the wrong train...which did actually start moving with me on it...to Belgium (probably), I manfully unloaded our bikes and Jeggs honey onto the platform and like a ginger Indiana Jones, lept off a moving (1mph) train to a raptuaous applause (nope).

Anyway, this was my first taste of a Ironman branded event and WAW, it was amazing! Organised, busy, expensive, sunny and full of lycra clad ponces wondering round flexing their 70kg bodies. It was a homosexuals wet dream....I think Jeggs enjoyed it too. Easy fella! ;)

Also a shout to some of the other guys we met out there, Matt (who's had a disgustingly good season) & his giant mate (who's name escapes me...?), Carl and Big Dave who put up with me and Jeggs hitching up for the free rides around town. Cheers mate!

St Polten was such a great place though, I'd recommend this race to anyone. Honestly, simply brilliant!!

My own race went...err...ok. Swam badly due to shite placement, biked well and ran better than I thought.

The swim was divided up into two lakes, which ment I felt like a superstar running accross a bridge in my wetsuit, swim hat and goggles smelling of piss with spectators cheering before diving (falling) into the second lake for another loop. Swam it in 34mins I think? Poor, poor...poor.

The bike was pretty cool, three climbs, a long drag along the Danube and even a section on the Auto Bhan which was like cycling on one of those airport convayer belts...fast and effortless. It's worth it alone to see the German/Austrian guys smash the bike leg before walking a half marathon. Good option guys. Took around 2:35 for the 90km. Pleased.

Run was littered with spectators and included multiple laps of a running track, a tennis stadium (amazing) and then out and back onto an industrial estate twice. Really good course in all. 1:34 for the 13.1 miles. In new trainers which I bought the day before. I recommend this. I think it they said after the event that there were nearly 50,000 spectators around the course? Just a little bit more than Llanelli.

Anyhow, finished 59th in my Age-Group and 450th from the 3,000 odd that entered. Racing in Europe is a different class and I was privileged to race against the World Ironman Champion, Chris Mcormack. He beat me.

After Austria came the European Long Distance Championships in Vitoria-Gasteiz, Spain. It was a well run event with a surprisingly small field including a load of Brits, Spaniards, Portugesers, Russians, Danes, Swedes, French...etc

The distances were pretty mental, a 4km (2.5 mile) swim, 120km very hot bike and a 30km run. This distance was all new to me and it showed. Some rookie mistakes like picking a black aero helmet with limited vents and not eat a single thing on the bike due to an upset stomach. Basically, the helmet cooked my head...I couldn't replace the fluid I was loosing through sweat as I couldn't drink the energy drink without heaving...not sure what went on, but it's a lesson learnt. I can't race in nearly 40 degree heat.

The swim was done in 71mins, biked 3:40 including a 10min drafting penalty (which was bollocks!!) and then run/jogged/walked the 30km in 3hrs.

Total was 8hrs 07min. 12th in my age-group. Tough race that.

Here's some photos of the events I did and the year through my phone ...I'll do the other half of what has become a season review blog another day. I've bored myself with talk of "Km's" and "mins". So if you made it this far, you probably need to get a life. Thanks though.

Me backstage with Dave Grohl...

Err...

Dog eating energy bars...5 of them.

Black Mountain

Training for the Yak Attack

Again, training for Yak Attack...without the snow.

Snow...

Bike maintenance...that's about all I know how to do?

Rocks, mountain, bike.

Horns...type things.

Life is good!

Broken wheel...£500 down the drain.

Mountain Bike...

Training for...

Freebies...

Black toes

Freebies...

Paul Errington on Singletrack Mag - Yak Attack

Organic sex toy

Vitruvian Triathlon

WELSH CHAMPION!

The Yak Attack - 2010

2010-04-22T00:40:00.000-07:00

4/4/2010

Packed and set off to Heathrow with the complete knowledge that I've packed my entire house in a bike box, rucksack and small (huge) hand luggage bag. The worry that I was only allowed 30kg was beginning to set and just before dropping the bags off, I decided to go and swoon the Etihad rep and persuade her into allowing some extra kg's. When asked how much over I was, I decided on 5kg. It was infact 10kg. Well, 12.5kg. Okay...13kg. But the dude at the weighing machine let me off 3kg and I had to pay for an extra 5kg. That'll do... Minus £120+ before I set off (well…my mother was). Sa-weet.

The rest is simple. Got on plane. Didn't sleep. Worried about front suss going BOOOM due to plane pressure. Got to Abu Dhabi. Slept for 4hrs of the 6hrs transition. Got up. Caught a plane to Kathmandu. Arrived. Got ripped off by some dick with a taxi. Arrived at hotel after the craziest drive of my life, seems as long as your horn works, you're good to rock and you don't need lights, apparently?! Mental place! Got to hotel. Ate. Drank with an Irish couple and a blind fella with a hook for a hand. Epic. Slept.

5/4/2010

Can't remember? I know I drank coffee, water and coke. Ate some Dal Bhaat (how you spell it...I have no idea?), local dish...well, of sorts. Rice, chicken, onions, spicy stuff, cabbage and some kinda soup/sauce served on a hubcap. Basically throw it together, bung your hands in and chow down. Meh.

6/4/2010

I kept a diary on my trip and wrote down how each stage would plan out. But, before the start, looking at my diary, today I was questioning how I was going to approach the race. Do I race it? Do I take it easy and make the most of this once in a lifetime experience? I came to the conclusion that it would be an injustice to the amount of training I have done if I don't at least give it a 'go'. So, I was going to race the Yak Attack. Weird how I came to this conclusion 3 days before the race huh...Jesus.

7-8/4/2010

What you expect two days before a big race. Built my bike, ate, slept, drank (water), met the other competitors. Here’s a brief description of them…

Andy Foers – Medic in the Army...of sorts. A genuine top bloke who basically ended up lumped with me for 90% of the trip. More about him later...

Phil Hystek – 6ft 4 Aussie who, like any other Aussie, unwittingly turned everything into a competition. Again, a genuine nice, helpful guy who helped me with my bike issues and was always eating. He's 51 and a ridiculously strong cyclist! He's also a paragliding instructor with the ability to damage himself in a padded room...so how he's made it to 51, I don't know! (kidding Phil) Also, enjoyed running kids over on his bike. Last count was 4 if I remember rightly?

Paul Errington & Colin (photographer...oh, and semi owner of AlpKit) – Paul is 31 (I think) and was a sponsored rider from Genesis & AlpKit…unfortunately he forgot all but 1 of his gears. Seriously, a single speed in the Himalayas…luckily, like Phil, he is a seriously strong rider. I can also confirm that Paul never suffers from hangovers.

Colin (the photographer) was brought out on short notice and had to leave his newborn baby and wife. He's very good at unknowingly offending the locals during a time of mourning and probably has a life ban from the reggae/jazz/rock/pop...(or whatever music they play on the night) bar next to The Kathmandu Guesthouse.

The Swedes (Martin Stenmark - rider, Andreas Denielsson - rider, Lasse – team manager & Johan – cameraman) –These guys were great. Martin is a Eurovision song contest contestant...does that make sense?! All-round nice guy, a mean guitarist, and I have no issues with saying this, live acoustic music sung by a male makes me feel uncomfortable...not sure why?! It just does. But...I didn't feel that uncomfortable when he and Andreas messed around. Andreas was a pretty cool guy...he's obviously a strong rider, but he was there to support Martin through the race...a little like Andy to me.

Lasse was the team manager. He'd organise everything and was pretty good at what he does looking from the outside...plus I don't speak Swedish, so I'm guessing he was pretty useful.

Johan...now this guy cracked me up. He was allergic to nuts. So he pretty much had to bring his own food out, which wasn't entirely a bad thing! There's only so much Dal Bhaat you can eat. Unless you're Aussie Phil...who will eat his own weight/height in the stuff...and some.

Phil Evans – Event Organiser and runs Extreme World Challenges – He's a Northener who got bored of riding his bike the conventional style so threw himself over the handlebars 1km into a 18km downhill section therefore busting his elbow open, grazing his chops and giving himself a black eye and ruling himself out of the race 3 days before it kicked off. Nice.

The Nepalese guys...ranging between 45-65kg, they were lightening at pretty much any terrain, height or distance. Led by Ajay, a 5ft 4, sub 50kg rocket, they included a 3 time Everest summiter (also on his way up for his 4th summit right now!), a yoga fanatic, Nepalese MTB representatives and Snow Monkey. That's right, Snow Monkey. Oh...how can I forget...the Raksi drinking lunatic Rattaman! All complete lunatics on the bike, but very friendly, helpful guys. Seriously, who wins a stage then waits around to help clean the bikes with a toothbrush and rag?! Awesome.

RACE DAY 1 - 9/4/2010

Bhudlinakantha (Kathmandu) to Nuwakot - 45km 983m ascent 1383m of descent

Well, packed my camelbak and decided to use High5 in the bladder, and water in my bottle. Carried 3L through the stage and the plan was to refill during the stage. We had a 1hr ride through the middle of Kathmandu with a ceremonial dance performed in front of us for the hour. People lined the streets and we also had all the local riders/clubs join us for the opening. It was a great feeling, but I was dying to get on with it and get into some 'racing'.

So, after cycling to the start, where the temperatures started to rise sharply, we suddenly found the 10 of us waiting for the GO! 8km of steep, snaking tarmac threw us into the deep end and we got a taste of what was to come. I found myself in front of Andreas, Martin and Andy and got into a good rhythm. I could hear Martin breathing heavily behind me and Andreas was right by his shoulder (hadn't even broken into a sweat!). We got to the top of the climb when we got into the first taste of off-road, undulating jeep track for around 30mins.

As we neared the downhill, I could see Andreas and Martin in front of me (my off road skills were pretty ropey, and this showed as the pair gradually put distance into me) then when I went to put the power down, I completely lost control of the bike as there was no resistance and I figured something was horribly wrong! The chain had snapped. 15Km into the first stage and already disaster. I walked around 500m back and found the chain lying there catching some rays...stuffed it into the bag (I had no chain repair tool on my multi-tool) and free-wheeled my way down the 18km hill.

Andy caught up with me and realised something was wrong, luckily he had the tool and we were caught by the jeep with the organiser and Swedes in tow. Chain fixed (so I thought) we continued down the hill. It was pretty brutal, big rocks, sand, mud, bog, gravel, rivers...etc basically everything!! But good fun too.

Every time I peddled, there'd be a horrible noise from the rear derailleur...I figured it was the new link rubbing against the cassette (it later turns out to be the chain rubbing against the outside of the rear-mech, we put the chain on and forgot to put it through the jockey wheel – feck!!). So, the stage was pretty undulating and uneventful until the last 15km where I could only select the 'granny ring' and had no way of changing up a gear. Blow! By now, I had run out of fluids, but knew there was a water stop 12km from the end...so I thought. I was with Andy since I snapped my chain and decided to stick with him for the stage.

We got the bottom of the final hill (a beast too) and realised there was no water stop so we carried on in the knowledge there was only 5km left. No chance! The hill was steep and I managed to cycle 50% of it before I completely ran out of gas and realised I stopped sweating. By now, Andy had dropped back and I decided to push to the end. Once I saw the van, they assured me that there was only...that's right...5km left. At this point, I lost my sense of humour.

Anyway, more pushing and free-wheeling and I got to the finish. I was shattered and very thirsty! Made myself up to the hotel, sat next to Andy (6mins behind me) and realised that I was starting to lose vision in my right eye...Andy (the medic) assured me that I was severely dehydrated and I should pile the fluids down me. I obliged and I ate a good amount that evening. Oh, the hotel was pretty stunning and I sorted my bike out with the help from Aussie Phil. He pointed out that all my running gear (cables, brake pads, wires…etc) were shot! Then it dawned on me that when I took the bike to the LBS, they hadn’t actually changed anything…this would be interesting.

That night at 3:30am, I woke up feeling very sick...I just made it to the toilet and spent the next 20mins throwing up...I felt awful!! Managed to get some sleep, then woke up the next morning feeling exhausted! I went down to breakfast and realised that I had to summon all my strength just to lift my 10kg bag...this was trouble. I physically couldn't manage any food and could only just drink some water. It wasn't good. Phil (the organiser) suggested that I not ride the next stage (which would be a group, transition ride, not part of the race) and for the sake of my health, I thought it would be the best idea.

For the rest of the day, I drank and slept in the back of a jeep. I felt nauseous all day and the thought of food was making me heave.

RACE DAY 2 – 10/4/2010

Transistion Stage - Nuwakot to Dhading Besi

Spent the day in the back of a jeep, sleeping.

Ate 2 pieces of dry toast at 8pm and a meal replacement drink then went to back to bed at 8:30pm and slept through to 7:30am. As grim as it sounds, I had pretty bad diarrhea. Sorry, bad times!! Diary quote - “FUC*ING TERRIBLE DAY!!”

RACE DAY 3 – 11/4/2010

Gorka to Besi Sahar - 60km 1121m of ascent 1368m of descent

Make or brake really…from what I gathered, Phil (the organiser) had contemplated pulling me out of the race for my own health, and in my own mind, I knew that if I didn’t attempt to finish the stage, then the Yak Attack was over for me…after 1 day of cycling.

I forced 4 pieces of dry toast down myself and managed to keep them down. A good start. I was feeling somewhat better and forced myself back on the bike, not sure how I managed it, but it had to be done. Within the first 5km, I managed to keep up with the back of the group, then (unsurprisingly) I was dropped and I realised I had no energy/strength whatsoever…it was soul destroying. I found it pretty upsetting in all honesty, I trained my balls off for the event, then due to something out of my own hands, I found myself at the back and the people in front putting huge time/distance into me. It was a pretty lonely place.

In an effort to make up some time, I decided to throw some risks in the first downhill section. I was doing pretty well until I cut a corner pretty sharply and found a local lady with a basket on her head standing in the middle of the jeep track…she didn’t move and my instant reaction was to turn into the 20ft embankment. It hurt…a lot. My right knee, thigh, hip, elbow and neck took the impact and it managed to bend my bar end and rotate my handlebar upwards. Helmets’ are a wonderful thing!! I turned around to find the woman wetting herself laughing, and it took a while to calm down from this…I wanted to punch her. I kinda lost my confidence for the next 30mins as I took the remaining descent very slowly…

When I got to the ‘updulating’ parts of the course, I had to leave it in the granny ring, I had no energy. 6 pieces of toast in 2 days wasn’t going to get me far. I was now so far behind, I had the locals laughing at me when I crawled through the villages…this didn’t help. I got to a slight incline (one of MANY) and had to take 5mins for me to gather myself near the top. This incline back at home would be nothing, but it was killing me out there.

It was very hot again, but I had no issues drinking water, I just couldn’t keep any gels/bars down…they’d come straight back up. As I very slowly crept around a corner, I saw someone pushing their bike. As bad as this may sound, I had an instant lift from this. It turned out to be Andy; he had completely sheared the bottom rear stay on his Orange ST4 (I think…). Turns out it’s the second Orange that has failed with him. Understandably, he was completely fu*ked off. A few years ago, he had a pretty big motorbike accident and cause some serious damage to himself, most notably, his back. So, with the prospect of trying to find out if he could source a bike from somewhere, it was looking unlikely that he could get his hands on a full-suss (needed for his back). I stuck around with Andy for the rest of the ride until we found one of the marshals, he phoned ahead and we met up with the van after 90mins of walking. Luckily, the local marshal offered his Giant hardtail and Andy was on his way.

Unfortunately for me, I still wasn’t over my illness and after 45mins of cycling, I had to stop on the side of the road…I was completely empty. I had never felt like this before. I couldn’t even get up the slightest of tarmac inclines in the granny ring. I slumped off my bike with 12km to go and had a long hard think about the rest of the event. I came to the conclusion that if I carried on (I know…only 12km) then I would be in serious trouble and possibly wreck my chances for the remainder of the ‘race’.

So, I called for the van to come pick me up, take me to the finish and try get some food and fluid in me. After this stage, it’s only going to get harder I was told. It’ll be inaccessible by van and involved a load of hike/carry/push. I still think it was the right decision, and I have no regrets about it. I know it was 12km, but it would have taken me hours. So, I was given a 60min penalty. I’ll take that.

Andy went on to finish with the company of a marshal and used the Giant for the remainder of the race. That night I ate a handful of chips, a couple biscuits, some fruit and a couple slices of potato. It all stayed down, but I still had diarrhea. Sorry.

RACE DAY 4 – 12/4/2010

Besi Sahar to Taal 44km 1705m ascent (Snowdon is 1,085m) 815m descent

This is where the previous 3 Yak Attacks started from. Jesus Christ…this was going to hurt!!

Breakfast was uneventful. Dry toast, fruit juice and a couple spoonfuls of porridge…all staying down.

I stayed with the group for around 2km then Andy’s chain on his new Giant XTR2 decided to fail and snap. I decided to wait with him as if I was stuck on my own, then I would take forever to get to the finish. We decided to stick together since our luck had completely run out, so if/when we ran into trouble; we could stick two heads at it. It took 20mins to repair the chain then Andy spent the remaining time adjusting a slipping seatpost…it wasn’t a good start. Although by now, I could at least pedal in the granny ring.

Today was the first sight of some of the amazing snow capped peaks, they were huge. So big, they just didn’t look real…it was weird.

The trail was very ‘updulating’, hot and dusty. It would ruin your drive gear, the chains would fill with sand and dust, making changing gears a nightmare (well, for me…not so much single speed Paul). We got to a bulldozer on the track when we were told Phil (organiser) and the local army that they were blasting a new route…possibly the loudest ‘boom’ I have heard! It echoed down the valley we were in and you could hear it for miles.

So…a 30min wait and we were off again.

Well, until Andy’s chain snapped…I just burst out laughing for the next 5mins. It seemed that everything was going wrong…luckily, Andy joined in. It wasn’t long before the first carry section of the event. Luckily, I did take this into account when I trained, and I found I could balance the bike frame on my camelbak which would take the majority of the weight leaving me to just grab the handlebar and seatpost.

15km of carrying later, including some very steep sections, steps, more steep sections (reminded me of the top 5k of Snowdon…ish) and also heavy rain, we got to the finish. It was brutal, but for some reason, I found it easier carrying that cycling. It all kinda passed in a blur too. Thank Christ.

From what I wrote in the diary, it seems as though it had a running theme from day to day…

Day 1 – the hardest day I’ve ever had on a bike.

Day 3 – scrap day 1, this is the hardest day on the bike.

Day 4 – scrap day 3, this is the hardest day on the bike.

So I came to the conclusion that tomorrows stage was going to be the hardest I’ve had, then the next day…etc until I crossed the pass. Managing to eat more and not throw it back up. Still struggling for energy through the sheer deficit in calories I’ve built up. I could physically see I lost weight too…

RACE DAY 5 – 13/4/2010

Taal to Chame 23km 1171m ascent 209m descent

The night before this stage, I wrote – “Only 23km, should be ok…” Then as soon as I got back from the stage I added – “How wrong was I?...VERY FUC*ING WRNG!!” Sums it up really.

I spent 85-90% of the 23km+ (I got lost for an hour and a bit…jesus!!) carrying the bike.

The track basically was straight forward but they did mention that there were a couple places where you could get lost…but I managed to make it to the point and not see the track turn on itself and carried on a footpath…it went on for ages and when I didn’t see anyone for the best part of 45mins, I started to worry. There were no locals, no travellers, no hikers…nothing. I then turned a corner to find stones being blown off the ridge into the valley below me. They were blowing new footpaths into the route and I knew then, I was going the wrong way. Gutted!! I had to turn around and head back.

Luckily I found some locals who pointed me in the right direction. Their grasp of English was basic, so I learnt pretty quickly not to ask “how far to Chame?” as I mentally couldn’t take the range of answers…I had everything from “30 minutes” to “2 days”. It was pretty disheartening.

There was one epic climbing section. It was very steep and had huge drop-offs down to the river/valley. I found this very unnerving when you consider the bike was too wide for the overhanging embankment/trees. It would mean banging the tyre against the obstruction, unbalancing yourself then finding yourself looking at a 200-600m drop. Plus, no-one would know you were gone till the end of the stage. Now, if this wasn’t bad enough…the locals used donkeys to transport goods between towns, so you’d constantly find yourself pinned to the wall in hope they don’t loose it and start charging…an experience to say the least.

By the time I got lost, I managed to loose track of Andy who had pulled over to wait for me further up the track. In the mean time, he went for a crap, only to find his bike moved to the side and he assumed I went past. He spent the day calling me names, and vice versa. I thought he left me. So the remaining 17km, I was alone. And this took it out of me. Again, I couldn’t cycle up the hills and could only manage to free-wheel down. This was the hardest day.

Although the tea houses were very basic, they were very appealing when you finished the stage. Warmth, food (not so much in my case), water, bed, tepid shower and for me, company again. Regardless how bad I felt on the stage, within 2mins of arriving at the finish I was in an incredible mood. It was a great feeling seeing the finish line and the rest of the other guys clapping me in (last on all bar one stage). But the next morning is a different matter. I think I broke the 24hr mark on this day…tough times!! Ajay, the current leader (I think) was just a shade over 11hrs.

Also, as we sat in the tea house, we were talking about other events everyone had done and it came as a surprise that I hadn’t ever done a single mtb race before…too late now. Also, 2 ½ days of climbing left and the altitude could start to kick in from tomorrow onwards.

We were currently at 2,700m (altitude kicks in at 2,500m). Oh, and it was beginning to get colder…was not looking forward to the ritual that was; wake up at 5:45am, pack porter bag, pack sleeping bag into porter bag, back to bed for 90mins, get up, change into gear, breakfast (kinda) and off we go at 9am. Another 2,700m left and it was going to get harder before it got easier. Sh*t.

RACE DAY 6 – 14/4/2010

Chame to Manang 30km 1239m ascent 244m descent

Starting at 2,700m and finishing at 3,500m, this was going to be (surprise, fuc*ing surprise) a tough day.

From yesterdays effort with the whole carrying lark, my shoulder in the morning was pretty sore…nothing to cause problems, but I could feel it aching. A pain killer in the morning before setting off and I was good to go.

Although I still wasn’t eating properly, I could feel myself getting somewhat stronger…and thinner. From my diary, I rode 70%, pushed 15% and carried 15%. The riding was pretty good on the day with some flat sections near the end. It would have been brilliant riding bar the boggy sections where the previous nights rain had settled. But hey, this was not ment to be easy! I rode with Andy all day and we both started to feel the effects of the altitude. When it came to the hills, we agreed to get off, push and have a breather every 10mins. Seemed to work and I was actually enjoying it at some points. The views were pretty spectacular as you could clearly see some of the 7km+ peaks all around. It was surreal.

The biggest issue (wouldn’t feel right not to have one every day) was the fact that I managed to get some saddle sores…which were no fun. I’m putting this down to the fact that I changed bib shorts and they gave me some problems. I decided to stick to my Castelli shorts and pile the chamois cream on at any opportunity. Seemed to work.

We were firmly in the middle of no-where at some sections of this stage. The biting cold wind, mountain ranges and snow were a reminder that I was a long way from home. But…there was a huge draw to finish this day as tomorrow was a rest day. I couldn’t wait to get a day off and try re-gathering myself and patching up the shambles that was my body. I even managed to get into the mid ring for the first time in 4 days. Pffft.

The stage went by pretty quickly, although it did drag slightly towards the final 5-7km when we passed the smaller villages thinking it was the finishing line…but we got there in the end and just before it started snowing. You could tell that the altitude was starting to affect the guys when there were murmurs of headaches, tiredness and slight issues with nausea…etc During the time in Manang, I took an instant shine to noodle soup. This would be my meal for the next 2 days. It was good!!

That night, I was in a 4 season sleeping bag, wore my thick merino socks, my skins, a HH thermal top, a Berghaus fleece and a woolly hat. It was pretty cold at 3,500m.

REST DAY - 15/4/2010

3,500m

The rest day was used to try and acclimatise to the altitude as we were told to continue ascending at the rate we were doing could have fatal consciences. I was more than happy with this. A great idea in fact.

It was spent eating noodle soup, beef Pringles, drinking water, coke & tea and we even managed a 400m ascent walk. It was tough…but good to keep active. Though my thoughts were quickly turning to tomorrows 17km stage, I was feeling a load better and was looking forward to a mostly rideable day.

RACE DAY 7 – 16/4/2010

Manang to Thorong Phedi 17km 972m ascent 244m descent

Now, I know I’ve said it for all the stages, but this was in fact…the hardest day. It started off ok. I was keeping up with the guys until the very first ascent. I had nothing in me to get over it…I had to carry up the stairs, and then push up the hill before stopping for 5mins. I couldn’t get the breath I needed to carry on.

Andy was staying with but I didn’t want to hold him back. To cut it short, I pushed the bike until the final 8km, then I had to give it to Phil (organiser) for him to push. I had nothing in the tank.

It broke me.

I got to a tea house half way through the stage and ordered a tea and pancake. I ate ¼ of the pancake and put 4 sugars in the tea. I was still in a pretty bad place…well, the worst place. I was told that if I’m thinking of pulling out (which I was) then today would be the day. The final flight home for 5 days was going tomorrow. A tough call, but luckily Andy was with me at the time and said he wasn’t going to persuade me wither way; I was old enough to make that decision myself. He gave me Diamox (to help cope with altitude – he told me that it would take 20mins to kick in…after the race finished; he told me it would take hours). That was the kick in the arse I needed.

I walked the entire way to Thorong Phedi. It took me just over 6hrs to do it. I

had a meal replacement drink, a mars bar and headed off to bed with an oxygen mask NOT looking forward to tomorrow’s summit.

RACE DAY 8 – 17/4/2010

Thorong Phedi to Muktinath 18km 906m ascent 1748m descent

3:30am wake up call for a 5am start. I realised after yesterday that there was no way I would be able to carry the bike over the summit so it was organised that the bike was carried over. I wasn’t bothered by this news as I physically couldn’t do it. There was no way I could have carried the bike!

So, within 15mins of walking up the climb (very steep and snakes back and forth), we caught up with Andy. He looked pretty beat, he was struggling with his breathing and was occasionally stumbling with his bike. They decided to take the bike off him and he joined me in walking up. 5km in 4hrs gives you an idea of the speed we did to get to the top, but, it was by far the most spectacular view I have ever seen. It was amazing! We were at 5,416m and we were still being surrounded by 7km+ peaks on all sides. Simply amazing!! And the relief that I had no more extreme climbing was very welcome. It was all (nearly) downhill from here.

Headaches were going, pins and needles in my toes and hands were going, swelling in my hands was going down and mostly…I was on my way down. Finally! The descent came and went in a blur and I even managed to cycle the final 10km(ish) into the finish. The whole stage was done in just over 7hrs. I even include a pathetic fall during the first 100m of riding. Just got a little too excited I think.

Tuna sandwich, chips and a load of pepsi. Happy with that. Two more days left.

RACE DAY 9 – 18/4/2010

Muktinath to Tatopani 70km 442m ascent 2834m descent

That’s right, over 2.8km of altitude loss. Finally.

The stage broke forks, brakes, tyres, seatposts and a couple riders. It was a tough downhill stage with some pretty big rocks, rivers, headwinds, sand, dust, hills, traffic…etc I enjoyed this, although being the last ‘official’ day of racing, I was glad to get it over and done with and get into the hot springs and chill. I was looking forward to drinking my first beer and eating my bodyweight.

The only notable thing to happen during the day was Andy taking a seriously big off within 1km of the start. I was behind him at the time and it looked pretty nasty. It involved a cartwheel, a couple forward rolls and a bike landing on top of him. He was in serious pain and complained about his kidneys…which in my book (I know sod all) is pretty bad news. Maybe a broken rib? But he soldiered on for 69km and we crossed the line together. Awesome.

Once we crossed the finish line, I went straight into the bar, 1 Everest beer and a chicken sizzler, then down to the hot springs to show off my new cycling tan lines. Done and done.

I drank some that night and even tasted the famous ‘Egg n Raksi’. It was filth.

RACE DAY 10 – 19/4/2010

Tatopani to Beni 22km

After spending the night drinking and abusing foreigners (well…Germans), I was pretty hung-over and was pleased to find out about the 22km group ride. It was good to finish with the group and we had a laugh. Well, I did. Mostly at the expense of Paul (singlespeed) cycling in the same clothes he had on last night…shorts and a Johnny Cash t-shirt…good effort mate!

It was a weird feeling coming to the end of my first mutli-day endurance event…although it was the hardest thing I have ever done and probably will always be, I was already feeling those post event blues…weird.

Then the 4hr bus journey soon got rid of any feelings I had for the race. Still firmly hung-over. We had another night out on the town in Beni after our race presentation and trophy awarding.

The local press turned up and it was pretty cool to see the local guys ‘clean up’ in the positional stakes.

I finished with 48:20:55 on the clock…the winner, Ajay, finished with 22:13:53. Nearly…maybe next year?!

Final top 10 Results for 2010 Yak Attack

1 Ajay Pandit 22:13:53 (Nepal)
2 Kaji Sherpa 22:37:38 (Nepal)
3 Mangal Krishna Lama 23:18:25 (Nepal)
4 Chandra Chhetri 24:03:02 (Nepal)
5 Phil Hystek 26:02:07 (Australia)
6 Paul Errington 28:55:14 (UK)
7 Andreas Danielsson 34:15:24 (Sweden)
7 Martin Stenmarck 34:15:24 (Sweden)
9 Andy Foers 45:51:45 (UK)
10 John Williams 48:20:55 (Wales… )

Flight back to Kathmandu the next day, a couple more beers with Colin from AlpKit, then a taxi to the airport before my flight home. I lost 7.5kg during the 10 days of racing. Epic. I was only 73-74kg going out.

That was long eh?!

I'd also like to thank the following people for helping me out with the trip through kindly giving me a hand with the equipment needs:

Matt from Elite Triathlon Performance Australia for the training help!
Kinesis MTB
ProBikeKit
Cyclestore
BMC Racing
Stirrat of Scotland
My family - cheers guys!

10th Blog Post...updates n' shit...

2010-02-04T06:18:00.001-08:00

Well, as I write this, there are exactly 6 weeks left. 42 days. 1008 hours (rollin') left until I start the Yak Attack (I've left this draft so long that it's about 39 days...lol, DRAFT, who am I kidding). Due to recent 'events', my 1008 (still rollin') hours are going to be spent divided (more than likely, straight down the middle) between training and watching pornography/Top Gear.

So, how's it all going since the last post? Hmmm, I've had my first haircut since the 'Last of the Mohicans' jobbie that was performed on me. I've trained pretty hard. I've eaten...lots. I've showered enough to guarantee a hosepipe ban for the next 7yrs. I've still got the beard. I've managed to watch the Hurtlocker and Avatar. Twice (probably spent nigh on £45 on that film...f*ck you Titanic and that pervert painter, Leo Di Caprisun). I've still got a job and I may be on TV (surprisingly, not Binge Britain, Crimewatch or Babestation). I've been filmed for S4C where I managed to make a new language up...the interview was primarily in Welsh, but I've managed to make a language that sounds something in-between Afrikaans and retard. Oh, and my chest is bad...again. Fark!

Oh, and I wasted 60mins of my life watching Danny Dyer "on da' farkin' look awt' fur farkin' UFOWs".

I've booked my flights too. Flying with Etihad from London Heathrow (is it London Heathrow or just Heathrow?...balls to it, it's now called Lo-row. Brrrrap) to Abu Dhabi (spelt - Aaaa-Booo Daaa-Beee for those readers with...err...reading issues), then onto Katmandu (spelt - Cat Man Boob).

I'll be leaving (on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again (22nd March)) on the 4th of March, so if anyone wants to throw me a leaving doo' with FEMALE strippers and dwarves, then I'm free around for the two weekends prior to this. Merci.

Unless I fall off the bike at 5,500m, I should be back on the 22nd of March where I will be landing in Lo-row before drinking myself into a coma (Binge Britain) for the next couple days.

What else...oh, I got a vain in my (left...?) bicep. Wallop.

Oh, this is Martin Stenmarck (with either a) his girlfriend b) Neil, from the Young Ones c) a disabled man in a tea cup or d) Jesus...either or, we are all in agreement that he has what on can be described as a offensively, filthy doo'). He'll be racing in the Yak. I wonder how many renditions of Abba's Waterloo it will take for him to throw his bike at me (he's Swedish and sang for Sweden in the Euro Vision Song Contest by the way).

Oh, and I cycled 100 miles last weekend. And yes Dan (from North Wales - bless), in ONE go. [rolleyes]
There's probably more I should add...I'll edit when I remember.

Oh, Helicopter rescue is needed in my insurance or I won't be able to race. [shits pants]

I'll write some more next week, and put some photos in for the windowlickers...

Can't be arsed at the mo'.

9th Blog Post...It's all gone tits up...

2009-12-02T06:12:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm, this could be awkward...

Last year I entered the Merlin Cycle - a 70+mile sportif around Carmarthenshire where I was unofficially 7th home last year...I also hailed myself John Boonen for months after...I even signed into Working Mens clubs under this name. It's cause I'm cool.

World Champion innit....quick question, is Coke a performance enh....what?

Anyhow, I woke up at 5:50am for the 7am start fully anticipating cycling the 15 miles to the start...but unfortunately, I fell asleep with a bowl of porridge on my crotch watching "Aerobics Oz Style". So in essence, I missed the event...

Very informative....apparenlty?
So, out of guilt, I decided to cycle the 70+ miles on a different (better...neh!) route...I had to pass the dreaded 'Sugar Loaf Mountain/Hill' then double back over myself and take on the 'Black Mountain'. Great cycle.

Anywhoo, whilst at the top of the first mountain, The Sugar Loaf, I pulled into the car park to 'adjust' myself and take on some fluid. Looked down and found 4 photos face down? Out of curiosity, I flipped one over and to my amazement, it turned out to be some bird with her bush out? The next photo was the same bird with her funbags out!!
I hastily turned the other two photos over (after checking around to see if Jeremy Beadle was in a bush filming me...) and it just got better...she had her whaps out and was wearing...........tube socks?!!!...in a caravan.

Small hand of the Law...watchit!
She looks foreign. And she smokes. And there was a 1.5l bottle of Woodpecker. Brilliant.
Tubesocks....the new wonderbra...?!

Anyway, my memory of late has been a bit...err...shite. So I titally (see what I did there) forgot about the photos...until last week. I had a sudden flashback to the photos, ran upstairs to my bedroom and found out that my mother had rearranged my sock drawer?! Feeeeecccckkk.

Photos have disappeared and there hasn't been any mention of the 'glam' shots over our traditional family sit down over 'bubble & squeak' on Monday nights....

Hmmmmm, how do I get around this issue without coming across (not literally) like a pervert?! It's bad enough I spend the majority of my time in lycra as it is...

Any help appreciated...

Rover and out.

8th Blog Post...Tears of a lost friend...goodbye my 'doo'...

2009-11-12T02:47:00.000-08:00

How you doing?

It's been a long time. Your hair looks good. What's that? Terrible haircut you say? Well I cut it for charity...how'd you feel now? Awful I hope.

Na, the BBC reports were true. My girlfriend butchered my ever disappearing doo since I last posted on 'ere.

Click to make it bigger...pervert.

I, regrettably, asked my girlfriend to give me a 'trim' but she decided to give me a reverse Mohawk. Rubbish look at the best of times, but when you're already balding and cherish all 372 occupied follicles, then it isn't even funny.

What's that? Yes, it is a pearl necklace...What? Na, I'm Britney...Alien 3? What you on about..?

Funnily (ha), as it happened on a Sunday, my instant reaction (bar the obvious obscenity...) was to count my remaining leave as I didn't fancy going to work just to be abused. With Christmas coming up, it was unfortunately slim pickings. Option 1 - OUT.

My next thought was GBH (girlfriend). Option 2 - OUT.

What? Na, I only said his hair was nice...and that he was great in Alien 3...

Option 3 - next in the process was sudden realisation that it all had to come off...there was no turning back. The Doo had to go. It had was summoned to a happier place. It was handed it's P45. It...you get the jist.

It's been two weeks since my scalp was err....scalped. Imagine, if possible, an even more brutal version of 'Last of the Mohicans'. I've convinced my work colleagues that I did it for charity...partly for a cowards way out and also just to see their expression when I tell then the 'cause' when they finish mocking me. I do feel bad. But not as bad as them....

Before you ask;

A) yes, it is actually cold in winter
B) it is MUCH more manageable than having a doo
C) I do look like something along the lines of a well kempt testicle, a mouldy scotch egg, a worn tennis ball (Dumlop, if you will) or a malnutrition paper boy/man who lost his wig in a gale.

Like this...but 'rusty' and a little more worn...

So, my training. It's been going pretty well as of late. I got off to a painful start after taking 5 weeks off post Vitruvian at the beginning of September. I managed to find a small 1.5 mile mtb loop around my local area (not my genitals) and it worked a treat to get back into the groove (ahhahaha...groove, who the f**k am I kidding?). Anyhow, since I'm working a typical 9-5, the only chance I get to ride the loop is after work, when it's dark. I cycled up there once with my new lights, Fenix TK11, and no sooner had I got up there, I turned around. My downfall was I started thinking of rapists, leprechauns, muggers and those filthy ramblers. I'm still yet to go up there with the lights.

Last week I had full intentions of going up to Brechfa to do some serious trail riding...but, as I packed my bike into the back of my sisters Volkswagen Beetle (proper mtb haulage ve-hickle), drove the 45mins to get there whilst stopping to put petrol in the frigging thing, pulled into the car park (had some bizarre looks from a couple of dudes), put the roof down, climbed all over the car, pulled the bike out, started fixing things together, realized I forgot the front wheel skewer, repacked the bike, put the roof back down, gave the two dudes the 'bird' as I drove home looking cool and went up the black mountain. FAIL.

Where's the wheel skewer? I though you had it? No...

To make the day a total success, I managed to get lost and had to carry the bike for over an hour through rivers, bogs, reeds and bushes before turning up at some farm preparing myself to be set upon by the 6ft 7 farmers daughter and kept as a sex slave. Needless to say, they were very kind and told me to follow their farm track to the bottom of the road and I head off home. Awesome.

My running has gone backwards....rapidly. I'm still (occasionally...twice) running with the running club. But I have come to the conclusion that I'll try get 2 runs a week in. Tuesday is long, steady running. Thursday is balls out running (not genitals). That should keep me ticking over until after the Yak Attack when I'll up the swimming & running in prep for Ironman Austria 70.3.

Swimming - none since the beginning of September. Classic.

My dog just busted my delete button?!

Oh, I climbed up Snowdon the other day too...I'm toying with the idea of cycling up there and back...logistics and that first. Also, must sort my memory out too. Forgot my walking daps before going up there. I purposely left them on the B&B bed, then walked out without them. Awesome.

Err...anything else?

Oh aye, I got my training plan from Matt Tippett at Elite Triathlon Performance Australia through last night too. Back in the fold again.
Should be an interesting couple of months coming up...

Oh, I can also recommend exfoliating your perineum then dabbing some cool menthol shower gel in the area. I imagine it's like sliding on a frosty banister. The breezy gooch, if you will.

Chow, for now.

New hairdoo....or bargain?

7th Blog Post...The Vitruvian Triathlon Race Report

2009-09-29T05:31:00.001-07:00

The Vitruvian Triathlon - September 5th 2009
1,900m open water swim - 85km cycle - 21km run (half marathon for the slower readers)

Well, my forage into the world of Half Ironman...ahem...racing continues for another year.
Last year I did the same event, and managed to *pick your own description from - scuttle, roll, limp, crawl, cry, meander, flop or painfully cross the line in a commendable 5hrs 08mins and 03seconds.
I wrote a race report for Tritalk.co.uk last year for my first attempt at the distance. Here it is...

With that all in mind, I managed to get myself a coach...Matt Tippett from Elite Triathlon Performance Australia. I met him whilst living in Melbourne for 6 months and decided to give him a shout when I got back to Wales.
Turns out, he enjoys planning out sessions with, in my opinion anyway, the sole intention to make me hurt, go sick and cry. (I went sick once, hurt A LOT but never cried...ish).
Anyway, I started his sessions and at every event I entered in the lead up to the Vitruvian, I could see genuine signs of improvement! PB's were tumbling at nearly all events, which was doing my confidence wonders!

So with a solid improvement, high confidence and a well earned taper in the bank, I set off for Rutland Water in Leicestershire. Plan was to sleep in the back of my girlfriends van - awesome, parents, sister and her fella would set up a couple of tents, and dogs would be shipped off to a kennell to catch kennell cough and rabies.

After last years sham (didn't get up till gone 10pm), I decided to leave early to get up there to have plenty of rest and register before the big day.

So, after helping my sister set her camp up after arriving past 10pm (as you can see, the plan worked perfectly) I set about trying to do what I do best...sleep. And I did. And then the alarm went off at 4am. Meh.

Off to register, set up the bike, put my clothes on (I wasn't naked registering - I ment put my racing gear on) and then slip in to the wetsuit...slip/struggle...wa'eva,

Got a photo taken with two mates....

Left to right - Random dude, random dude, random dude, random dude playing with goggles, Thomas 'the peoples' Peoples, Richard 'no facial hair' Jeggo, random dude, John 'swimming hat matching my beard combo' Williams, random dude, random dude, random dude and Keith Cornish

...then set about the 1,900m swim. A two lap affair of Rutland Water and a trying to swim as close to the Rutland Belle without shitting my knickers by seeing a propeller (for some reason, I find anything large under water eerie? and also guide ropes when you can't see the bottom...that's right, I'm 26).

SWIM - 1,900m

Nothing much you can write about the swim to be honest, bar the first 10m being caked with sea-weed, then somehow, I must have hit the shallow end on the far side of the lake due to me stroking the floor for a few meters?
Avoided shitting my knickers by not looking at the Belle...if you laughed at that, grow up.
My mother managed to take a pretty sweet photo of me diving back in for the 2nd lap - even more impressive when you consider that she started on the wine at 4:30am. Amy Winehouse's got shit on her! 1 good photo, and the rest are blurred...not a bad effort.

Swim done in - 30:58 (2:15 quicker than 2008)

T1

Got into T1, struggled with my really slack wetsuit...pah, couldn't get it past my watch nor timing chip...then, if you check how long I was in there, I apparently made a cup of tea, watched 3 episodes of 24, dismantled then re-assembled my bike, read the bible....twice, put my gels in my back pockets then set off...
Good thing about this year was, I didn't feel dizzy or sick...kicking for the last 150m really works?!!

T1 done in - 2:04

CYCLE - 85km

Got out of transition, played frogger with the two dudes in front of me. One struggling to get his foot in, the other just fell over. Bless him.
2 laps including the infamous Rutland Ripple...which I find a lot easier than it looks!! From the hill looking down, it's quite impressive, but with the speed you can carry going down then it isn't that much trouble...the biggest issue is the amount of traffic and other cyclist (even if one of them is Thomas Peoples who raised himself off the seat to fart just as he passed me...it smelt like burnt hair), especially the 2nd lap, but other than that, it's a pretty quick course. What made it a little trickier this year was the headwind, pretty tough on the way out, but then more than enjoyable coming back...great fun!! The disc was a good choice...and it sounds fast. Sweet.
Managed to stick to my nutrition plan of 2 x 750ml bottles of 100g High5 and a High5 banana bar...worked a treat! Also took 500ml of water in case things went pear-shaped!

Bike done in - 2:30:32 (8:08 quicker than 2008)

T2

Now, I thought I was in and out. But apparently it took me 1:02. Tits.

RUN - 21km

This is where I struggled last year...I managed to bumble around in 1:55 and it hurt a lot. So much so, I promised myself that I wouldn't enter anything more than a sprint from then on in. Ah well, I had some scores to settle!!
I had intentions of, realistically, running anything under 1:45...but had a feeling it would be around the 1:46-48 margin.
Again, a two lap affair.
As soon as I got off the bike I settled into a comfortable running rhythm, it felt weirdly good?! Had my 4 gels to take at the 5km marks, then 1 for emergency. The first three 5km were brilliant, managed to get around with no fuss and got down my 3 gels and water...although I nearly choked on water at one point - note to self, learn to run with plastic cup and not end up blinded, drowning and covered in spit. Sweet look!!!
The last 5-6km was and still is, pretty painful! Although 2008's run made this half marathon feel like an easy jaunt...it hurt nigh on the entire 21km in 2008.

Run done in (great rhyming) - 1:37:04 (18:32 quicker than 2008)

Total - 4:41:53 (30min+ faster then 2008)

Over the moon with the result and can't believe the improvement in my run!? Awesome!!

Post event feelings - I've had some time to think about the even (hence the report being written nigh on 4 weeks after the event finished, DOH!) and it's given me a great stepping stone to move on. My targets have changed for 2010. I've entered Ironman Austria 70.3 in July, more then likely doing the Vitruvian again and also got the Yak Attack in March. I've also got one plan, that if I manage to pull off, then that would be, without question, my greatest sporting achievement. But I'm not going to reveal what it is quite yet....

Laterz amigos!

6th Blog Post...James 'I have the same first name as James Bond, and will try look like him in all my photos' Martin...or, 'captain twat'.

2009-09-15T05:54:00.000-07:00

Follwing a link I that was brought to my attention...LINK I sent an e-mail to the people that represent him. No, not Little Chef, some other company...

Here;

Howdy partners,

Just a quick e-mail to forward onto that guy who makes food for people that you represent. James ...something.

I was sent a link to the review of some car that he wrote in some fantastic daily publication that he writes for, in-between dreaming of cakes, sausages, fish fingers and rutting birds. So, I'm going to aid him in his goal of killing off all cyclist and show my utter disgust at the fact that they seem to think they can cycle where they like? The cheeky so and so's. How dare they get in our way, don't they know that presumably safe, quiet country roads are used for Little Chef chef's finest 'English breakfast buns' maker for his private really fast car testing route?! Idiots.

Anyway, I'll add to some of the points that Jeremy Clarkson...sorry, James May...sorry, James...something wrote.

Names James...James...er...Martin? And I hate buttocks...

God, I hate those cyclists. Every last herbal tea-drinking, Harriet Harman-voting one of them. That's one of the reasons I live in the countryside, where birds tweet, horses roam, pigs grunt and Lycra-clad buttocks are miles away. But recently, there's been a disturbing development.

Now, I won't lie to you James...something, but I'm a cyclist and a triathlete - we wear even less lycra and occasionally, rubber. But, I can confirm I have never voted for the Lord Privy Seal, nor has anyone else I know. I also have never put lip to cup on something that contains herbal tea. But then, I do have fantastic buttocks. Imagine one of your finest Little Chef peaches if you will.

I couldn't find a photo of two eggs in a hankey...meh

When you say you live in the countryside, where birds tweet, horses roam and pigs grunt, it seems as though you don't take this into consideration when you 'stepped on the gas' to overtake these spider-man cyclist...(I'm not sure I get this? Are you taking some kind of hallucinogenic drug?) So, you seem to be doing a fantastic job of announcing yourself as a bit of an idiot. But then again, you make food for a living. Like Ronald McDonald and the guy from KFC. And the guy who owns the local Kebabery, Abra-Kebabra. So, I suppose we could be asking too much for 'a pinch' of common sense and 'a teaspoon' of intelligence. Hey-ho.

Each Saturday, a big black truck appears at the bottom of my road, with bikes stuck to the roof and rear. Out of it step a bunch of City-boy ponces in fluorescent Spider-Man outfits, shades, bum bags and stupid cleated shoes, who then pedal around our narrow lanes four abreast with their private parts alarmingly apparent. Do they enjoy it? They never smile. I'm sure they just come here to wind me up.

A big black truck? Is it the A-team? And I bet you wouldn't go no-where near Face, Hannibal, Howling Mad Murdock or BA Baracus on a bike, which in turn makes sense since he 'WONT GET ON NO PLANE.....FOOL!

How dare they pull up on the bottom of your road. Ponces indeed.

I enjoy it, but then I have fantastic buttocks, so cars slow down to admire it, then slowly whilst indicating with friendly wave and a flash from a camera amble past without a 'dash' of fuss.Ha ah ha, yes, yes. I assume the A-Team travel in their big black truck, just to wind you up. They haven't got anything better to do, i.e. save the world from terrorists who can't shoot straight and shout a lot in really warm weather. Duh.

Anyway, the other day Live sent me the new eco-friendly electric car. Not a G-Wiz (if they did that I'd be off (oh...we all but wish) ), but a Tesla Roadster, trumpeted as the world's first battery-powered sports car. It costs £90,000, does 130mph, but emits 89g/km less carbon than a Toyota Prius - ie, none at all.

G-Wiz? Could explain the reason you've been seeing Spiderman on a bike on your road?! Trumpeted, vintage reporting James...something?.

So naturally, the first customers were tree-huggers Leonardo DiCaprio and George Clooney. It's very Californian, this car. Company boss Elon Musk is a Silicon Valley multimillionaire, so that's where they build them - but it's actually based on Norfolk's own Lotus Elise.

Yes, naturally. If it's based on Norfolk's own Lotus Elise, then I'm guessing you must have driven the entire duration whilst holding your breath? Or did you rustle up some eco friendly lube in your kitchen then winch yourself in...? Anyway, I'm impressed. Chapeau.

But I don't care about any of that, and here's why. Twenty minutes into my test drive I pulled round a leafy bend, enjoying the birdsong - and spotted those damned Spider-Man cyclists. Knowing they wouldn't hear me coming, I stepped on the gas, waited until the split second before I overtook them, then gave them an almighty blast on the horn at the exact same time I passed them at speed. The look of sheer terror as they tottered into the hedge was the best thing I've ever seen in my rear-view mirror. I think this could be the car for me.

Recession hit hard...even Spidey hit the crime wave...couldn't even afford a gun. Tut tut

Enjoying the birdsong? Right, that's it. What were you taking? Was it some sort of homemade brew with extracts of garlic, tree bark, dog hair and dwarf saliva?!
Well, since you were more than likely holding your breath whilst driving, I'm sure you snuck up like a stealthy sea-lion with a steering wheel...

Now, in all seriousness, what you did makes you sound like an absolute clown. You idiot. So what would have happened if the cyclists hit the hedge? Cause serious damage to themselves...would you feel guilty or would you carry on in "the car for you" regardless and repeat the previous act of idiocy to the next group of cyclists? Did you consider that they may have had families and loved ones? Obviously not, you "birdsong" listening fool.

I have no respect for you and would have no qualms about telling you to your face that you are a 'twat'.

Regards,

What's your beef with me? Peter Parker.

5th Blog Post...Still gunning for getting someone famous to come with me to Nepal...This week, Ironman World Champion, Chrissie Wellington

2009-08-26T05:52:00.000-07:00

This is the e-mail that is waiting to be sent to Chrissie Wellington...World Ironman Champion and alround nice lady....

Right-ho Chrissie, how you feeling?

Recently I have been sending e-mails to many as many people, companies, suppliers...etc with the the idea of getting myself sponsorship/backing/company/friendship for an event that I'm doing next March in Nepal. It's called the Yak Attack, and in a nutshell, it's a 12 day MTB adventure....hang on, I'll just copy and past the description from the website.

420km OVER 10 DAYS WITH OVER 8000m OF CLIMBING – PEAKING AT AN AWE INSPIRING 5416m*.
(*the equivalent of 6,686.42 of this little guy standing on his own shoulders...which quite frankly, I would spill blood to see)

Sexiest man alive or fingers that look too simular to a pub snack...Twiglets?

Now, with this in mind (the adventure, not the tower of dwarves), I would like to send you an invitation to join me in Nepal next March. I know you are a big fan of the area, and also spent some time there in the past. If you are worried about the prospect of keeping up with me on the trip then don't, I will take my time for you. I did finish 7th in my last triathlon in Llanelli (a lot like Nepal I imagine), but don't be fooled by that figure. I was beaten by some very strong athletes who have been in the business for at least.....2 races.

The likes of Thomas ap Thomas (swims like a tuna and is a part time trombonist for the local church), Dafydd ap Iwan (claimed to invent the 'cesar salad'...jury is still out), Adolf-Mark Hughes (guess who he was named after...that's right, Mark Hughes), Owain Hermon (owner of Ammanford's largest congregation of sheep and also, the 3rd largest ant farm in South Wales) and Sarah & Sara Stevens (they owns the local bike shop...you can jump to your own conclusions on them...has webbed hands and big ears. Oh, and are conjoined twins.) are not to be taken lightly as their local knowledge, unmatchable inbred strength, scores of support (brothers, mothers, fathers, sisters, aunties, farm animals, boyfriends and girlfriends - usually the same person) and Raleigh Activators are nigh on impossible to compete with.

To the point though, I've never been to Nepal and am looking forward to the trip and being completely out of my comfort zone (in front of tele watching repeats of Count Duckula whilst eating my Kellogg's variety pack and warmed Ribena. Not in the same bowl. Although...). But, I wouldn't mind some company in doing the trip, my Nepalese sucks and even more concerning, I great people I don't know with a nervous high 5 and within 2mins, I tend to make an inappropriate joke...pffft....don't ask!

I should tell you though, you aren't the first person I have asked (I feel as though I have cheated on you...sorry). I did send an e-mail to Ben Fogle and James Cracknell asking if they would like a REAL challenge instead of building snowmen and having snowball fights in the Antarctic. They both said no, so obviously not a fan of lycra or they just don't like Nepal. Although it could just be the fact that I told them I was ginger and wear lycra. Meh.

I've also sent an e-mail to many Mtb companies, and any company I thought that was relevant (when I say relevant, I wanted a free pair of Oakley's...they also said no. I feel as though they have an issue with a ginger person wearing their glasses in public, where, if anyone should have a pair of Oakley's, it should be ginger people. We attract the sun like no other specimen on Earth - including solar panels). But in all fairness, Probikekit have given me some exposure by broadcasting my letters to the world and offering me some stuff.... Trek have offered me a very generous discount on one of their bikes and Oakley turned me down solely on the fact that I have red hair....apparently.

So, with all this in mind. And if your still reading (a very well done, much bigger accomplishment than one of those Ironman races you occasionally do), I would be very happy to hear from you.

Please, if you don't like the e-mail, delete it. Please don't refer it to the police. I'm officially on my so called 'last strike' in the UK and Australia. In the UK, I accidentally called a police man 'Columbo' after he claimed I was doing 40mph whilst he was on foot patrol...how he could work out my speed I still don't know?! And in Australia, I was given a very public spiritual de-pantsing by a zoo keeper in Melbourne by trying to convince the tourists that Koala's were in fact err...asexual. I didn't realize he could hear me and it was all a bit of fun. Again, meh.

The naked Swan hand puppet showed no remorse as it went straight for the lazy eye....

Also, I will include my blog that you can read from time to time.

Cheers Chrissie,
John (can you get me some Oakley's?)

Will post the reply as soon as she sends something back....

4th Blog Post...THE Letter

2009-08-20T02:52:00.001-07:00

This was my attempt at gaining sponsorship/backing for the Yak Attack. I was sent a link to a website that gave hints/tips on how to get sponsorship...so I did the exact opposite!!

JOHN WILLIAMS – TRIATHLETE – COMEDIAN

Wasssup guys,

I’ve been reading through ’supposed’ tips on how to gain sponsorship, funding, backing…etc for athletes over the last couple of months in aid to get myself some help with a race I\’m aiming for. Now, all the tips have told me to write formal, structured correspondence, whilst highlighting the goal and projecting a professional outlook.

I’m not going to do that. You probably have these e-mails all the time. So to stand out, I’m gonna base this on comedy and self character assassination.

Basically, I’m a ginger triathlete. Although this hasn’t alienated all my friends, it certainly hasn’t done me any favors. I spend a majority of my in lycra and rubber. Now, if I had legs carved out of rich mahogany, it would be a good look. But, as you can probably guess (the ginger bit), I’m as pale as the background of this very e-mail. Fantastic. Now, if your still reading, good job. It gets worse.

My triathlon err…career? has spanned over 5yrs. Notably the first 3 were pretty much very slow – slow. And I’m sure there are people still out on the courses waiting for me to finish. (plus point no1, I’ve never failed to finish an event) Now the last two years have been a big improvement, triathlon wise, I’m still ginger. From finishing in the final third of the field, I’m now hovering around the top 10. Including winning my first trophy in my last event. It’s pure gold, apparently they melted two of Mr.T not-so-needed bling to create this very trophy. Yep, that’s right. 3rd Senior Male. Imagine Gwyneth Paltrow at theOscars for my acceptance speech.

Epic fail.

Still reading? Nice!

Now, I did complete a Half Ironman distance last year, and am planning on racing the same event this year to see how much I have hopefully improved (5th of Sept 09). I will not win a trophy in this event. Although I will glue the aforementioned trophy to the front of my wetsuit, bike and running hat in homage to my past glory.

You’ve probably stopped reading.

Some bullet points about my interests;

I’m ginger
I enjoy a crisp apple
I don’t tan that well
I have a ginger beard
I once ate 24 doughnuts without licking my lips
I’m a big fan of Celine Dion’s old stylee teeth
And I feel that Rob Schnider is one of the most underrated actors of all time

Now, the *good part. (I did put *juicy in there, but changed it to good. ‘Juicy’ made me heave)

The race I’m doing is The Yak Attack. The Yak Attack It’s a good ‘un.

Never done it before, and as far as I’m aware, I’m the first ever Welshman with a ginger beard and a triathlon trophy to attempt it. It’s not going to be easy…it’s been dubbed ‘one of the hardest races in the world’. Fantastic. A brief of what I will attempt to endure….

420km over 10 days with over 8000m of climbing – peaking at an awe inspiring 5416m.

With the altitude of the event in mind, (serious bit) 5,416ft, I have e-mailed the conditioning coach of the Welsh Rugby Union (WRU) and British and Irish Lions for some information on altitude training, problems and other relevant factors and to my surprise, he has agreed for me to go to the WRU Indoor Training Barn to meet him in person and have a good natter about all things mountainous and oxygen depleted.

So far, I have a 4 season sleeping bag and some of the clothing needed. I’ve paid for the deposit and am looking to find a lightweight Mtb to ride/carry for the event. Now, the aim of the e-mail is to reach out to your kindness, warmth, selfnesslessnessism, generosity, free stuff, money and backing. Could be anything from a bike, small donation, small pieces of equipment or even a ‘good luck e-mail’ will do. Nothing abusive. I already get enough of this.I’m ginger, wear lycra and rubber and enjoys apples – I’m a walking bully magnet. In return, I will keep a blog on the net, drum up local newspaper support (I have a friend in ‘high places’ that I can blackma…err, contact about getting a couple of articles) and generally plug your product with every living breath (if you get me?).

So, if you feel the need to send me anything, or want to ask any questions…fell free to e-mail me. I’ll even put my phone number down incase you type like my father. One finger stylee. Which will take you a while.

Looking forward to hearing from you hombres,
Peace.

John Williams

3rd Blog Post...Pichers!

2009-08-19T07:31:00.001-07:00

Gonna attach some photos for you...face to the name and that.

Llanelli Tri - 2009

The trophy. Or a rubbish Holy Grail?

2nd Blog Post...The Yak Attack - March 2010

2009-08-19T05:15:00.000-07:00

I've entered the The Yak Attack in March 2010. Basically, it's a MTB ride over one of the highest mountain passes in the World. Here's a brief of the event that I was sold on...

IT'S A RACE, AN ADVENTURE AND POSSIBLY THE TOUGHEST CHALLENGE YOU'LL EVER TAKE ON.

YAK ATTACK WILL TAKE YOU THROUGH SOME OF THE HARDEST TERRAIN ON EARTH, THE HIMALAYAS.

IT ISN’T ABOUT HUGE DISTANCES *(remember this), IT’S ABOUT BATTLING WITH NATURES EXTREMES – HEAT, COLD, SUN, SNOW AND ALTITUDE.

420KM OVER 10 DAYS *(Pfffft, not about the distances my ar*e!!) WITH OVER 8000M OF CLIMBING – PEAKING AT AN AWE INSPIRING 5416M.

ARE YOU TOUGH ENOUGH?

5416m is the equivalent of 17 Eiffel Towers or for some of the less traveled people, 3,008 Ikea Wardrobes or 3185 Tom Cruise's.

With all this in mind, I have contacted the Welsh Rugby Union (WRU) and British & Irish Lions conditioning coach Craig White regarding getting some info about the effects of altitude and how to prepare and deal with it once there. Although he's buggered off to Thailand for 4 weeks. So should be meeting with him sometime during the end of September 09. Will keep you updated...

Now the funny parts. I had the idea of inviting James Cracknell and Ben Fogle to join me out in Nepal during watching their show...On Thin Ice (documentary about their Arctic adventure). So, here is the e-mail I sent to the PA's of the two dudes...

How do,

Was watching your man on the tele box last night doing his Antarctic walk, crawl, fall, ski, camp...etc and thought to myself;'He seems like a bit of an idiot'. (Not the offensive one, idiot as in mental, crazy or bonkers - I coined that phrase waaaay before Dizzee, Dizzy, Dizee....Daisy Rascal)

So, I would cordially like to invite Ben Fogle/James Cracknell to join me in Nepal in March for a bike ride so that he can look after me, and make sure I don't do anything stupid like fall off a mountain, ride a Yak, get lost in the Annapurna's (I'll check where that is and get back to you soon*) or become involved in witch craft due to my rare blend of pale skin, a rich mahogany beard (that's right, ginger) and the ability to look terribly offensive in lycra or rubber. There are witches in Nepal right? If not, forget the above statement.

Anyway, formalities. I've entered a race called the Yak Attack - Showdown in the Annapurnas. It's a mountain bike race which involves tight clothing, padded rears and lots of climbing, near 420km of riding and 8,000m of climbing with temperatures ranging from er…warm to cold, then back to warm again. The event starts on the 8th of March and finishes on March 20th. So that's 13 days. In 2010.

Now, before Ben/James says 'YES!! I would love to join John in his lycra in Nepal', I would like to describe myself in a paragraph or so.

My name is John Williams. I'm 26. Welsh, not from North Wales where no-one understands what they say, but South. A place called Ammanford if you want to google it. And have a 32" inside leg.

I'm from a rugby background (hardly surprising I'm Welsh) and recently, over the last 3yrs become a triathlete. I have completed races from sprint (400m swim, 25km cycle and 5k run) to Olympic (1.5km swim….then double the previous distances…ish) and more recently, a Half Ironman (1.9km swim, 85km cycle and a 21km run).

I'm not vegetarian, my favorite color is red…no blue, I enjoy a good apple, I have two dogs and a girlfriend (should that be the other way round?)…I have a girlfriend and two dogs (not sure) and grew a beard to annoy my girlfriend but no the two dogs. I also ate 24 doughnuts without licking my lips a few years ago - a lot harder than it sounds.

Righto, I think that's enough about me. So, if Ben/James (I haven't put Ben down first due to favoritism, it's alphabetical) would like to join me on my trip, 'Holla back ya'll'.
Yours sincerely (with deepest regrets about mentioning 'The ginger beard'), John B Williams I have included a picture of myself so you can see what I….(obviously) look like. This could be make or break in the deal to get Ben/James onboard.

*The Annapurna's are in the attached photo; (according to wikipedia - which everyone knows can be wrong…I once edited a paragraph about a friend of mine who plays rugby professionally to include "Emyr Lewis is a professional rugby player who currently plays for Neath RFC. He has exceptionally big ears and has a gap in his two front teeth and often struggles to say the letter 'R' to the amusement to his 'wugby fwiends'" I've highlighted the part I edited incase you couldn't decide which part was fibs (lies).

Thanks.

THE REPLIES I HAD;

From Ben Fogle's people.

Thanks so much. I have forwarded your email onto Ben.x

From James Cracknell's people.

Hi John,

Thanks for your email. Very amusing and one of the more original emails that we've had in... Afraid James isn't taking on any more commitments at the moment though, so I'm afraid will be a 'no' from him.

All best wishes,
James

So, not a bad result. But I will still be going on my own...never mind.
That'll do for now...

1st Blog Post...

2009-08-19T04:18:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I'm John. John Williams.

I've created this blog with the intention of updating frequently with my misdemeanors, adventures, future plans, current ideas and anything that I may feel necesary to share with...(checking who/how many are following me)...myself by the looks of it. Early days.

I suppose I should tell you some things about me.

As you have already read, I'm John Williams. The 'B' in 'jbwilliamz' (word up) stands for Benjamin. Which I honestly only learnt to spell about 8yrs ago. I'm 26. It's been Banjamain, Ban-jamin, Benjimin and Banjemine. Imagine the look of the driving instructors face when I had to re-spell my own name. Speaking of spelling mistakes, I remember when I went on work experience to a local Architects firm when I was 14 and spelt a local town of Betws (5 letters like…) wrong because I was so nervous. Bettws. Christ. Then I went on to explain to the co-owner (who had an English accent) that's how you spell Betws in Welsh. He then picked the phone up and had a full blow conversation…that's right…in Welsh whilst scribbling out my mistake.

So, I'm originally from a rugby background. I once refused to turn up to a single training session for 4yrs for my local team, Ammanford, then got made captain for a season for the 2nds. ?. My rugby achievements include, scoring a hattrick of tries and a total of 29pts in one game (although the opposite outside half was 40+ and talked to himself whilst trying to kick a rugby ball with his shin), I have a Welsh Schools Champions Medal when I was 14, I have played social 7's for The Aber BaaBaas where we won the newly dubbed 'Super Bowl' in a national tournament where we played a team called Hogwarts. We won by 10+ tries before the game being stopped early, we also got some abuse for entering a tournament where we were clearly a step up from the opposition…bless 'em. And I lost a couple of games for Ammanford 2nd's too, which, strangely didn’t bother me?! Wuuups.

Now, in all honesty I turned to triathlon when I saw Marc Jenkins in the Olympics puncture his tyre. Most people would have given up, no medal = no point finishing. But to carry his bike for 2km then finish the race in last position sums up the mentality of a triathlete perfectly. Something that I clearly was lacking. 4yrs without a single training session in rugby!?

Marc Jenkins - Olympic Hero

Anyway, back to me.

I got into triathlon around 4yrs ago. My first race was the Bala Olympic Triathlon (1.5km swim / 40km cycle / 10km run) in 2005 where I finished…just before the one in 2006. Position wise, I placed 290th from 490 with a time of 2:42:19. (28:45 for the swim / 1:16:35 for the cycle / 55:58 for the run). During this tri, there were many firsts:

My first ever open water swim (2nd time in the suit - first time was wearing it in the shop, very very sexy if I must add)
My first ever 40km cycle
My first ever 10km run after my first ever 40km cycle
The first time I stepped on a banana barefoot (sorry to the dude next to me…glad I didn't see you after the race)

Since then, I have entered and completed a total of 12 triathlons, duathlons and a sportif. Completing all I have entered - taken on Marc Jenkins attitude. Although he was in the Olympics and I was in Cosmeston, Llanelli and Llandovery.

I'll add more about myself at a later date…for now, I'm cooked!!